Humor Selections for September 14th, 2007

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave.

One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.

He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.

"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"

"Yes," the other bat replied.

"Well, I didn't."

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Einstein dies and goes to heaven...

... Saint Peter says, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.

Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:
  • Innovative
  • Preliminary
  • Proliferation
  • Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:

  • Specificity
  • Anti-constitutionalistically
  • Passive-aggressive disorder
  • Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When Drunk:

  • Nope, no more booze for me!
  • Sorry, but you're not really my type.
  • Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
  • Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
  • Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
  • I'm not interested in fighting you.
  • Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
  • Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
  •  I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.

The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: "'Did you actually see the accident?"

The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A man has a dog called Mace, which he keeps in the house all the time...

... because all it does is eat grass.

He also has a favorite tool, his wrench, which he uses all the time.

One day He looses the wrench. He looks every where for it but can't find it.

The dog gets out, eats all his grass and there in the middle of the lawn is his wrench.

The man starts singing "A grazing Mace how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me".

Who thinks up these groaners?

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Men Invented everything - Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

Note:  I would like to thank Marty of Ottawa, Illinois for alerting me that many of the videos I've posted over the past few months didn't work when downloaded.  I can't tell you why, but thanks to his and Dewey of Pensacola, Fl help, I've been able to fix most of them ... including ...

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I lost my internet connection the other day.

My ISP was most helpful, but after a one-hour phone diagnosis they said it was my router. It had died. Well, so had I, figuratively, although I did not know it at the time - but I went through all the grief stages in miniature - disbelief, sadness, anger, acceptance, despair. I went to my favourite wholesale computer shop and got another, and rang the ISP for instructions on installation. They're good, but something had led them astray - sunspots, sunflowers, sunburn - I still don't know - but they were not reachable until an hour ago, and although they apologized profoundly and got me back on line quickly, the two day hiatus has left me shaken and bereft.

Has my life come to this? So dependant on unseen electronic waves and their translation into recognizable bits that I grieve at their loss? I'd get a life, but what would I do without the web? Lord, I'd have to go and make friends face to face.

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

Lindsay note made me pause and think.

When I'm done posting this page, I'm going to go out and ride my best friend ... I would rather be on his back then in front of a computer any day!



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