Humor Selections for September 8th, 2006

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There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word ...

... and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions .

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............

Time to shut UP! .....! more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?


Submitted by Don, Bethesda, Md.

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  • You can't just sit there and wait for people to give you that golden dream. You've got to get out there and make it happen for yourself. Diana Ross
  • If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive, Dale Carnegie
  • Champions know that success is inevitable, that there is no such thing as failure, only feedback. They know that the best way to forecast the future is to create it. Michael J. Gelb
  • Never let your failures go to your heart or your successes go to your head. Anon
  • The biggest mistake is to believe that you're working for someone else. Nashua Cavalier
  • You are your own yardstick. You may never be the champion, but if you measure up to your best you are the best. Anon
  • The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for out wits to grow sharper. Eden Philpotts
  • Accomplishment is easiest when we work the hardest, and hardest when we work the easiest. Anon
  • Whenever we do what we can we can immediately do more. James Freeman Clarke
  • There are very few things we can achieve without someone's help. Anon
  • Success is never ending, failure is never final. Dr. Robert Schuller
  • One of the secrets of success is to refuse to let temporary setbacks defeat us. Mary Kay
  • A wise man, when asked how he had learnt so much about everything, replied, "By never being afraid to ask questions about anything of which I was ignorant." John Abbott
  • Like a ten-speed bike, most of us have gears we do not use. Charles Schultz
  • He that is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else. Benjamin Franklin
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia.

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Did you ever wonder if ...
  • Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
  • Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
  • What disease did cured ham actually have?
  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  • Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
  • If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
  • Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
  • Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  • If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
  • Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  • If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
  • Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
  • Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
  • Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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Billy Bob and Rufus worked together in a Kentucky clothing factory ...

... and both were laid off so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Billy Bob said "Panty Stitcher..... I sew elastic into ladies cotton panties"..... The clerk looked up "Panty Stitcher" and put down it was listed as unskilled labor, so she put him down for $300 a week unemployment pay.

She asked Rufus his occupation and he said, "Diesel Fitter", which was listed as a skilled job.... She put him down for $600 a week.

When Billy Bob found out he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money......the clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled, and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor"

"What skill?" yelled Billy Bob. I sew the elastic on the panties and Rufus puts 'em over his head and says, "Diesel fitter"....!!!!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Home Security they way it should be ... Download Video

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Rainy photos ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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