Humor Selections for September 6th, 2006

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Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball ...

... he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever  she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, saved more money, and had all the hot water to herself. She watched chick flicks, not football, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in tracksuit pants, and burped, and farted all the time…

The End

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia

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Out of the mouth of babes ...

Steve (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

Ian (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon this Mom will never forget ....

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but, at that moment, my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 19

"Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina -- the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The White House's response to Katrina can best be filed under job comma 'heckuva.'" --Jon Stewart

"CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go, 'Oh my God, they've done it again!'." --Bill Maher

"There's a recent study about human behavior and apparently, women are capable of making decisions about the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions often made without any rational thought. Yep and that's why we're in Iraq." --David Letterman

"'Diary of a Lost Girl,' the autobiography of Kola Boof, recounts her sexual relationship with Osama bin Laden. There were some bad sides to being Osama's sex slave because Boof writes, 'Osama, you understand, did not know the difference between being vicious and being tender.' Now I know I'm going to get an angry letter from Ned Lamont for saying this, but I think bin Laden may not have not been a nice person." --Stephen Colbert

"The Republicans have a new talking point on Iraq. It's about time they got one. The new one is: 'If we don't fight them there, they'll follow us home.' There's a representative -- a Republican named Curt Weldon -- who said we either fight them over there or we fight them here in our supermarkets. Have you ever been to that Ralph's on Sunset at 3 in the morning? I don't think al Qaeda has the guts." --Bill Maher

"A bunch of astronomers got together and they have downsized the solar system. All through school as a kid didn't you think there were nine planets? No, as of today we have eight planets. They have voted Pluto out of the solar system. They have downgraded the solar system from nine to eight. It is similar to what's happened at 'The View.'." --David Letterman

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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What's the point?

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Sept 1st Humor Page