Humor Selections for June 10th, 2013

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A teenage boy seemed placid as the doctor approached his hospital bed...

... to give him an evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, watching every move. The doctor walked over and introduced himself to the boy.

The boy looked right through the doctor and started screaming, "I can't see! I can't see!"

The doctor had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness in his entire career!

He turned to the mother and asked, "My goodness, how long has this been going on?"

Without hesitation she replied, "Ever since you stepped between him and the television set."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work
  • You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar
  • You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
  • You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.
  • You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
  • People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
  • The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

  • Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
  • Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
  • Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
  • Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
  • Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
  • Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
  • Heisenberg: Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure its speed, but you cannot do both.
  • Jean Foucault: It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.
  • Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.
  • Ohm: There was more resistance on this side of the road.
  • Pascal: It was pressured to cross the road.
  • Volta: The other side had more potential.
  • Hawking: There exist numerous parallel universes in which the same chicken is in differing stages of crossing the road. Only when one of the chickens has completed crossing the road do their ave functions coallesce.
  • Buckminister Fuller: Because we have not yet designed and implemented true, constantly forwardly/backwardly evolving, energy-transforming living machines which will enable us to perform all functions from the informedly turbining hub of a single autonomous in-spiralling/out-radiating network of space-connected information vector transforms. Had the chicken been supplied with my Dymaxion Tensegrity Coop, it would have remained at home, un-tempted by such risky spatial-temporal translations.
  • Grandpa: In our days, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Md.

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Imagine there is a bank, which credits your account each morning with $86,400...

... carries over no balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance, and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!

Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME.

Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow."

You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today..

  • To realize the value of ONE YEAR - Ask a student who has failed his exam.
  • To realize the value of ONE MONTH - Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.
  • To realize the value of ONE WEEK - Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
  • To realize the value of ONE DAY - Ask a daily wage laborer who has ten kids to feed.
  • To realize the value of ONE HOUR - Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
  • To realize the value of ONE MINUTE - Ask a person who has missed the train.
  • To realize the value of ONE SECOND - Ask a person who has survived an accident.
  • To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND - Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.

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Late Night
  • How many of you saw 'Game of Thrones' on Sunday? Did you watch this? Oh my god, people can't stop talking about this.The show ended with a huge massacre. That's two massacres I saw this week if you count the Heats/Pacer game! - David Letterman
  • Last night's 'Game of Thrones', I don't know if you saw this, it was incredible. It was insane, the Internet's ablaze today, fans are very upset about the number of characters that died violently in last night's episode. Ladies and gentlemen, all I can say is wait and see how this show ends tonight. Bad news for you Andy fans! - Jay Leno
  • I want to see what happens when this weather lady—[slide of female weather forecaster]—stands in front of this weather map—[slide of another weather man standing in front of map showing rudely-shaped weather front]. - Conan O'Brien
  • China is the winner in the Iraq war? They weren't even nominated! China's not even in the running! Don't you have to be in a war to win it? China... you've already beaten us in synchronized drumming, bear cuteness, air chewability, and you've gotta take this from us too? - Jon Stewart
  • By the way, I'm not a microbiologist so, in this story, I don't need to see your virus porn. I don't know what that is! I have no idea if that picture means "We're all gonna die!" or "Congratulations you're having triplets!" - Jon Stewart
  • Tonight I come to you with a heavy heart. And not just because my pre-show cocktail is a bourbon and Nutella. No folks, I am ensaddened by the recent announced retirement of "an" conservative giant Michelle Bachmann. The congresswoman who represents Minnesota's "Valley of the Dolls". - Stephen Colbert
  • Michele Bachmann isn't done until I say she's done! Oh, Michele with your fourth-grade education and your google eyes, I'm going to miss you. I need you, baby. Now, get back out there and keep saying things that make you completely indistinguishable from Amanda Bynes.- Bill Maher
  • If America makes a movie as sub-mental as "Fast and the Furious 6" and the rest of the world pays to see it, they have to admit they're just encouraging us. And don't call the next one "Fast and Furious 7." That number if way too complicated for your fans. Call it, "Me Like Watch Rock Play with Cars." -Bill Maher
  • Pot is the new gay marriage. And, by that, I mean, it's the next obvious civil rights issue that needs to fall. Now, if I asked you, what has been the biggest change in American society over the past 20 years, what would you say? Instagram? Coconut water? Crocs? All important. But, no. It's that a generation ago, the closest thing to gay marriage was Liza Minnelli and David Guest. In 1988, only 10% of Americans approved of gay marriage. Today, that figure is almost 60%. So, what happened? What made gay marriage so normal so quickly? Now, sure, part of it was "Dancing with the Stars." But, mostly, it was because gays simply demanded it. - Bill Maher
  • Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City and he had to change his campaign website yesterday because it accidentally showed a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline instead of Manhattan. Or as Weiner calls it, 'an embarrassing photo I can live with.' - Jay Leno
  • Anthony Weiner accidentally used a picture of the Pittsburgh skyline on his website instead of Manhattan. And that's not all, it doesn't stop there. Remember those pictures he tweeted of his male member? It wasn't his. It was Brett Favre's. - Jay Leno
  • According to the Boston Globe, First Lady Michelle Obama and her daughters will stay on Martha's Vineyard for the summer. You can tell President Obama is getting a little defensive. When a reporter asked him about the trip, he said he had no prior knowledge of the vacation, he just learned about it from the media. - Jay Leno
  • A seven-year-old boy from Milwaukee, a kid buy the name of Miles Nelson, wrote a letter to the vice president. He has an interesting solution to our problem with gun violence. Miles wrote, 'I think guns should shoot out chocolate bullets.' Believe it or not, the vice president actually wrote Miles back. He wrote, 'I really like your idea. If we had guns that shot chocolate, not only would our country be safer, it would be happier. Happier people love chocolate.' Do you really want a politician to get behind gun with chocolate bullets? The guy you should be writing to is Chris Christie. He will get this done. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener. - Conan O'Brien
  • White House officials insist that President Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until we all heard about it in the news last week. They said because there was an investigation under way, it would have been inappropriate to tell him. And besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi. - Jay Leno
  • Everything’s going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama’s trying to turn things around. He’s sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber’s monkey. And if SEAL Team 6 doesn’t work, he’s sending in Dennis Rodman. - David Letterman
  • We had an election in Los Angeles yesterday. Three measures involved medical marijuana. The one that passed was a proposition that limits the number of marijuana dispensaries in the city. The rule now is there cannot be more marijuana stores than cupcake shops – because they feed on each other. The proposition will limit the number of dispensaries in L.A. to 135. Unfortunately, right now there are about 800 pot shops, so the employees of 665 of them will be out of work. And on top of that, their resumes will say they used to work at a pot store. So I wish them luck. - Jimmy Kimmel

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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If men really ruled the world
  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
  • Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A "See you later." would pretty much do it.
  • Your resume references would never be checked.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  • "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night." would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow, and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
  • It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets and pillage a nearby town.
  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
  • Women in bars would fall into your arms whenever you said, "Come here often?"
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you would be expected to present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  • Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. And your birthday.
  • St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. Only it would be celebrated every month.
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Bugger! - Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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May 13th Humor Page