Humor Selections for May 13th, 2013

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Legend has it that there is a Ladies Room there is a very special mirror.

If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - *poof* - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

Sooooo, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."

*poof* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive."

*poof* The mirror swallows her too.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...."


Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Late night
  • Today former Pope Benedict is moving back into the Vatican. He is going to be mad when he sees that Pope Francis took down his Metallica posters. That’s right. Two Popes now under one roof. Can you believe that? Yeah, they’re just one-half Pope away from being a sitcom on CBS. - Conan O'Brien
  • While in Mexico, President Obama plans to promote his immigration policy. Is that really necessary? Seems the last place you have to promote immigration is Mexico. I think they’ve got it down. That’s like going to San Francisco to promote gay marriage. - Jay Leno
  • A man arrested for shooting at the White House says he was upset over U.S. marijuana laws. Man, if only there was some way to mellow that guy out. - Stephen Colbert
  • Here’s the week’s only good news: Anthony Weiner is running for mayor of New York City. He announced it earlier today in his underpants. - David Letterman
  • Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? - Jimmy Fallon
  • PETA is really upset at Chris Christie for killing a spider in front of a group of school children. Governor Christie said, 'If PETA is upset by that, they do not want to know what I had for lunch today.' - Conan O'Brien
  • Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. It got awkward when students were like, 'Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility? - Jimmy Fallon
  • Mitt Romney gave a commencement speech where he advised graduates to start a family before they turn 30. He also advised them to pay for it by inheriting millions of dollars. -Conan O'Brien
  • The FDA has just ruled that girls as young as 15 can now obtain the contraceptive Plan B without a prescription. Before that, most teenagers’ Plan B was getting a show on MTV. -Jimmy Fallon
  • So they’re handing out hussy pills to 15-year-old girls like Chicklets, but I still need to show my passport and provide a DNA sample to buy some damned Sudafed. How am I supposed to make my meth? - Stephen Colbert
  • It’s been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It’s like being married to a Kardashian. -  David Letterman
  • President Obama held a press conference today. He said he still wants to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He should do what he always does. Declare it a small business and tax it out of existence. - Jay Leno
  • New York City is testing a new plan that would make the average school day longer by over two hours. Parents haven’t commented on the plan yet because they’re busy high fiving everyone they know. - Jimmy Fallon
  • Conservatives like me know that in a budget crisis, everything nonessential has to go — whether it’s food for kids who aren’t mine or some other stuff for people I don’t know. -
  • Stephen Colbert
  • There’s now talk here in California of letting noncitizens serve on juries. The bad news: If you’re ever on trial for underpaying your nanny, you could get the death penalty. - Jay Leno
  • They had a big opening of the Bush Library down in Texas. All five living presidents were there. It was a once in a lifetime event – a library in Texas. - Bill Maher
  • Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016. - Jay Leno
  • It's not just a library, it's a museum. The exhibits are breathtaking. There's a map of the world dartboard which Bush used to decide who to invade after 9/11; there's the pants he peed in when he was told we were under attack; the pretzel he forgot to chew that made him pass out. And there's a weapons of mass destruction pavilion, but no one can find it. - Bill Maher
  • The United States Treasury announced that they will put into circulation a newly designed $100 bill in October. Of course, by that time, it should be worth about 50 bucks, but that's okay. - Jay Leno

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An elderly spinster lady, living in a small country town...

... said to her middle-aged male neighbour one day, "Would you mind having a look at my cat, please? She's looking a bit funny, and you know about these things, working on a farm."

So he did. "Well," he said after a brief glance, she's going to have kittens."

"No, she can't be," was the reply. "She never leaves the house. Never."

" O.K., but how about him?", he asked, pointing toward the old scarred tomcat lying by the stove.

"Oh, no, it couldn't be him. He's her uncle!"

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Rule for parents
  • A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
  • Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
  • The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
  • The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
  • A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year---unless it is the only food in the fridge.
  • The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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You Know You're in Texas When...
  • birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
  • The trees are whistling for the dogs.
  • The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  • Hot water now comes out of both taps.
  • You can make sun tea instantly.
  • You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
  • The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
  • You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
  • You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
  • You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  • You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
  • Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
  • You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
  • The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
  • Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
  • The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Gota to love rednecks - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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They don't know I'm a mere cat...


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April 12th Humor Page