Humor Selections for October 20th, 2011

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New jokes posted on Monday and Thursday.
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A prospective juror was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter...

.... given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.

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You Know You Have Still Had Too Much Coffee When...
  • You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee
  • You've worn the finish off you coffee table
  • The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you
  • Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house
  • You're so wired you pick up FM radio
  • Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans"
  • Instant coffee takes too long
  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can
  • You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"
  • Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hook

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Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa.

Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa

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In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

Submitted by Marty, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Translations of Help Wanted Ads
  • Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
  • Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
  • Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
  • Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
  • Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
  • Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
  • Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
  • Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
  • Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
  • Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
  • Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
  • Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
  • Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
  • Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
  • Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Which one is guilty? - Download Video

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England

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Oct 12th Humor Page