Humor Selections for October 12th, 2011

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After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment...

... my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now?"

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA

  • Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

  • Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

  • Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

  • Goose! Bogey at 2 o' on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

  • Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

  • (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

  • I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

  • Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

  • This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

  • It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

  • We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

  • Don't worry! That one is always on E...

  • Get the parachutes ready...

  • Drinks are on me...

  • I'll have what the Captain's having...

  • Hey capt'n take another hit man...

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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When...
  • Juan Valdez names his donkey after you
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
  • You sleep with your eyes open
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward
  • You lick your coffee pot clean
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse
  • You can type sixty words a minute with your feet
  • You can jump-start your car without cables
  • Your only sources of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
  • You don't sweat, you percolate

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How to Pick a Dog - Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...

I mean, seriously, wouldn't you just keep drinking?

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Oct 3rd Humor Page