Humor Selections for Feb 28th, 2011

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You know you're in a man's ideal world when...
  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  • It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Life of a Government Worker
  • You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!"
  • Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
  • When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else's problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
  • Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up" and "I have an opportunity for you to excel."
  • Training is something spoken about but never seen.
  • Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
  • No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference.
  • Change is the norm.
  • Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years.
  • The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
  • You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
  • You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO.

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Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of it's Warranty (for Star Trek Geeks)
  • Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
  • Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
  • Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
  • Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.
  • Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
  • Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
  • Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
  • Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
  • Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
  • Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
  • Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
  • Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
  • Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
  • Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.
  • Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.
  • Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.
  • Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.
  • Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it".
  • Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.
  • Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A diary of one person's love of snow...
  • December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season: we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
  • December 9: Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the 1st time in years & felt like a boy again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplow came along & I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
  • December 12: Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said we'd have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, I'd never want to see snow again.
  • December 14: Snow, Lovely snow! 8" last night and cold, too. Wind took my breath away but warmed up shoveling. This is the life! Later the snowplow came back, again, but I'm getting in better shape. Just wish I didn't huff & puff so much.
  • December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4; snow tires for the wife's car & 2 extra. Shoveled, then stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think that's silly - we aren't in Alaska...
  • December 16: Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt the driveway. Hurt real bad. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was very cruel.)
  • December 17: Too cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife & try not to upset her. Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. (Won't admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it when she's right.)
  • December 20: Power's back on and had another 14" of the stuff. Shoveled all day. Snowplow came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March. Neighbor says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me. (Think he's lying...)
  • December 22: White Christmas!!! 13" more of the white stuff & its so cold, it won't melt 'til August. Tried to shovel - just too tired. Tried to get help from neighbor who has snow plow on his truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure he's lying.)
  • December 23: Only 2" of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think she's lying.)
  • December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. I'm gonna get that snow plow driver. (I know he waits around the corner to see if I'm finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sing carols with her & open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snow plow.
  • December 25: Merry Christmas. Another 20" of the slop. Snowed in again & the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I wanted to hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot and if I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'll throw her in the snowbank.
  • December 26: Still snowed in.
  • December 27: Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze.
  • December 28: Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in and the wife is making me crazy!!!!!!
  • December 29: Another 10" & neighbor says I have to shovel the roof before it caves in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
  • December 30: Roof caved in. Another 9" in forecast.
  • December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house: no more shoveling.
  • January 8: I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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Proposed cuts to the National Health Service
  • The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals..
  • The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
  • The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
  • The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
  • Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
  • Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
  • The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
  • The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn't hear of it.
  • The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
  • The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the entire thing.
  • The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
  • In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a*******s in London .
Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England

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Two guys in coats - Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Feb 23rd Humor Page