... when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a-buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman  approached him with a message from the captain.  He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read:

"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules --  make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

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One simple question stood between her and one million dollars!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.

"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied,

"Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing,

"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose.

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

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... visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have a different one in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his own butt.  He seemed unaware of the men's approach.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed.

"This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn't even act like an attack dog."

"I know he appears tame now," said the owner.  "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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... the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof.

Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net.

He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it.

Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop.

As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.

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... in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again.  "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"
 

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England
 

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.. the tiny lion cub cries out pitifully for help.

His mother arrives at the edge of the precipice with three other lionesses and a male. The females start to clamber down together but turn back daunted by the sheer drop. Eventually one single factor determines which of them will risk her life to save the youngster – motherly love. 

The drama begins: The mother arrives at the edge of the cliff as her son cries out for rescue after being trapped when he slipped.

On the brink: Four lionesses look over the edge before aborting their rescue mission because of the sheer drop .

Slowly, agonizingly, the big cat edges her way down towards her terrified son, using her powerful claws to grip the crumbling cliff side. One slip from her and both animals could end up dead at the bottom of the ravine. Just as the exhausted cub seems about to fall, his mother circles beneath him and he is snatched up in her jaws.

She then begins the equally perilous journey back to the top. Minutes later, they arrive and she gives the frightened creature a consoling lick on the head.

The dramatic rescue, captured by wildlife photographer Jean-Francois Largot, was played out in Kenya ’s Masai Mara game reserve.

Despite the presence of wardens to deter poachers, day-to-day life for the lions is not without its dangers … as the cub learned the hard way.

Motherly love: The mother gives her son a lick to say that all is well in the pride following the drama.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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Nov 29th Humor Page