From my auto mechanic:

• "That part is much less expensive than I thought."
• "I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
• "You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
• "It was just a loose wire. No charge."

From my son's preschool teacher:

• "Everyone misbehaved today except Michael."
• "Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks."
• "I wish we had 20 Michaels."

From a store clerk:

• "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."
• "I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers."
• "We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer."

From my doctor:

• "Of course I'll come by your house to check on you."
• "Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better."
• "Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in."
• "I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test."
• "Here, take these samples."
• "Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that."
• "I recommend you get a second opinion."

From a contractor:

• "Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
• "I think I came in a little high on that estimate."

From my dentist:

• "I think you're flossing too much."
• "I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."

From a restaurant server:

• "I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim."
• "I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4pm and then bring it in to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
• If its a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how I am doing. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
• Always leave without telling anyone where you are going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
• If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.
• If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
• Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
• If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
• If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
• If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
• Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
• Be nice to me only when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
• Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any, and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
• Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goal SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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... the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain date.

Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its ugly head early. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done.

After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message,

"Turn on the heat or we'll turn on the boys!"

The heat was on within hours!

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• It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
• When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends" and got a "Not Found 404" message?
• There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
• The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
• A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
• Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
• "CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
• You just can't find those cool infomercials on the Web.
• Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to cable.
• You can't surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other.

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• In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break."
• Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.
• Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bringdown."
• Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.
• Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap.
• In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying. "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".
• You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.
• You smoke during sex.
• You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."
• You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.

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... because he was having trouble reading the newspaper.  "Now that you're over 40," the doctor told him, "you've developed a condition called 'presbyopia,' in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to."

Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. "Congratulations!" he said. "You're now officially a presbyope!"

Doug leaned over and asked seriously, "If that means I'm no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?"

Submitted by John, Waynesboro. Pa.
 

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Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England
 

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Nov 18th Humor Page