Humor Selections for August 31st, 2011

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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The Modern Toolbox
  • Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
  • Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
  • Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
  • Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
  • Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
  • Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
  • Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
  • Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
  • Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
  • Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
  • Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
  • Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Is your devotion to your cat in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme?

Or are you an all out shameless "cat-a- holic?" Let's just see how you rate as a "cat person," shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST "yes" answer to:

  • Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?
  • Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat's name by mistake?
  • Do you think of your cats as the "furry kids?"
  • Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litterbox?
  • Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?
  • Last Christmas/Hanukkah, did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?
  • Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don't own any cats?
  • Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?
  • Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won't disturb the cat who's sleeping in the very middle?
  • Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?
  • Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?
  • Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?
  • When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as "using the litterbox"?
  • Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?
  • Do you know your cat's birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?
  • When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, "OK, it's me or the cat," you don't hesitate for even one second.
  • Do your neighbors talk about you as "the nut with all the cats?"

How many did you answer "yes" to? Just answering one with a "yes" is enough to qualify you as a "Cat Person." But the number of yes answers determines the degree.

Your "Cat-ability" Score"

  • 1 to 4 yes answers: In training - you could do better, but it's OK, you're learning.
  • 5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate - working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.
  • 9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme - just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.
  • 14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations! (But you'll find no 12 step program here!)
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman...

... with whom I car-pooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."

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Fay was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house.

The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.

The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."

Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"

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Race at Saratoga Race Course - Download Video

It's the story of a horse with an amazing name: 'ARRRRR'. That's right, 'ARRRRR'.

You see, ARRRRR was entered in a race at Saratoga Race Course in New York. Nothing that unusual there. But as you might expect, as ARRRR and the rest of his equine chums galloped along, there was an announcer commentating on proceedings.

And with a name like ARRRRR thrown into the mix, everything suddenly got very funny, very quickly. Tom Durkin's the name of the announcer here, and if you're reading Tom, we'd just like to say that you're an absolute legend

When you're done with that, check out a similarly ludicrous video situation last year when two horses, one called 'My Wife Knows Everything', the other, 'The Wife Doesn't Know', rode alongside each other at Monmouth Park.


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Nagasaki 1945, after the atomic bomb

Nagasaki 2011, following earthquake and tsunami

What the Hell is that arch made of!?

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Aug 22nd Humor Page