Humor Selections for August 22nd, 2011


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A cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy.

The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar...

... who broke into his house the night before.

"Youíll get your chance in court." says the desk sergeant.

 "No, you don't understand!" says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Iíve been trying to do that for years!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The Department of Labor received an anonymous tip that a local employer...

... was exploiting a mentally retarded worker, so they sent an agent to investigate. When the agent arrived at the workplace, he was greeted by the owner who asked what was the purpose of the visit. The agent said he wanted to know how many people worked there and what they were paid.

The owner said: "We have two workers here. One is my assistant. I pay him $22 an hour, give him two breaks a day, two week's vacation with pay each year, provide lunch, and pay for his health insurance. Then there is a mentally challenged worker. He works about eighteen hours every day, does about 90% of all the work, and makes about $10 per week. He has no breaks and pays for his own insurance. But I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life."

The agent was shocked and said: 'That's the guy I want to talk to, the mentally challenged one."

The owner replied: "That would be me."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Why we Shoot Deer in the Wild

Why we shoot deer in the wild. (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education.. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer exploded. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true... An Educated Farmer

''Life's tough, pilgrim, and it's even tougher if you're stupid.''-- John Wayne

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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I love my bunny hat!! - Download Video

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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The Bone Yard near Davis Monthan Air Force Base - Tucson, Arizona USA


Remember - Each one of these babies had a multi-million dollar price tag!


For those of you that have never seen this, it is something to see.
The precision in the way they are parked is impressive.


It's difficult to comprehend the size of the 'Bone yard' and the number of aircraft stored there.
Of course the important thing to remember is that they are all capable of being returned to
service if the need ever arises.

If you are ever in the Tucson area, the weekly tours of the bone yard are still given through the Tucson Air Museum, located just south of Davis Monthan AFB. Both the museum and the bone yard are very popular attractions in the Arizona desert. It is difficult to comprehend the number of military aircraft in dead storage until you see these photographs! Even if you have seen this before, look again. The 3rd largest Air Force in the world is sitting on the ground here.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
 

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Aug 15th Humor Page