Humor Selections for September 22nd, 2010

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Nine Ways Not To Start Your Police Report:
  1. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ...
  2. The names contained in this report have been changed to protect the innocent ...
  3. The mayor then made an illegal left hand turn onto Mulraney at which point I opened fire ...
  4. Before I get into the details, I've got a few "shout- outs" for my homeys in the command staff ...
  5. It was so dark and wet that night you could almost eat the mist. The radio call penetrated the eerie silence with such piercing intensity that for a moment, I was sure I'd lost my mind ...
  6. Got call. Responded. Arrested bad guy. The end.
  7. Mye pertnar an eye wher on petrol wen we seen a man act suspishushly...
  8. The suspect then tried to assault me by repeatedly slamming his face into my fist ...
  9. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away ...
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.

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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from de skippin'!!!!!"

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.

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Reasons You Should Buy a New Car:
  • Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
  • Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
  • You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
  • 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
  • When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
  • Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
  • While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
  • For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom' noises while in the driveway.
  • You keep losing dates on left turns.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Golf Meditations
  • If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  • No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
  • When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
  • Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Simon's & Sister's Dog - Download Video

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.

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Spotted in Austin Texas

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Sept 20th Humor Page