Humor Selections for August 9th, 2010

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned...

... that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real.

He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So, he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, Thank God, " and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man say, "Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God" and the horse just literally takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "AMEN!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God".

Submitted by Dean, Gettysburg, Pa.

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How To Know that Your New Neighbors Are Weird
  • They hold séances at 3 am every evening, naked in their living room.
  • Neighbors used to borrow a cup of sugar from you. Now they tap into your phone hookup on the pole behind your house.
  • They use your driveway for their overflow parking.
  • Say, those aren't ghosts running in circles in their back yard. Those ghosts have hoods on them.
  • They are using jackhammers at 2 am to add a lower floor to their basement. Of course you can hear that.
  • The whole family comes to your house to say "hi!" dressed in black leather and spiked hair--even the cat.
  • The police come to the house and are in full riot gear. That's just to try to pick up the dog for eating two hamsters from the kids down the street.
  • You notice that in their mail is a subscription to "Druid Monthly".
  • They always never bathe, they took their bathrooms out of the house, and installed twin outhouses in the corner of the yard right next to your in-ground swimming pool. The old bathrooms were turned into "rooms for the dear departed", filled with strange colored urns with a powdery substance inside (Is that the remains of their Uncle Pronekio?).
  • 1The wife was expecting, and the doctor once called her 9 months repugnant.
Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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In a physics course, which involved light, electricity and magnetism...

..., the students were required to read the week's experiment before coming to class...

At one lab session the student assistant wanted to see how many of his pupils had actually done so.

"What are the two types of light?" he asked.

The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Actually there are three: Bud, Coors and Miller!"

Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.

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Human Slinky - Download Video

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England

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Wiper motor burned out? I can fix that!


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