Humor Selections for August 6th, 2010

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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You Might Be A Yankee If...
  • You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
  • You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to ever go on a camping trip.
  • For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
  • You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
  • You don't know what a moon pie is.
  • You've never eaten Okra.
  • You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
  • You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
  • You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
  • You've never had grain alcohol.
  • You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
  • You have no idea what a polecat is.
  • You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
  • You don't have bangs.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station.

As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, CO.

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A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight...

... nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!

Submitted by Mike, Emmitsburg, Md.

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7 Definitions Of A Cat

  • A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer. 

  • A four footed allergen. 

  • A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 

  • A treat-seeking missile. 

  • A wildlife control expert impersonator. 

  • A hair relocation expert.
  • An un-programmable animal.

Submitted by Pat, Smith Lake, Va.

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Reaction of various branches of Armed Forces upon encountering a snake...
  • Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
  • Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
  • Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
  • Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
  • Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
  • Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
  • Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.
  • Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
  • Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.
  • Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
  • Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
  • Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
  • Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
  • Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
  • Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
  • Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.
  • F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.
  • F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.
  • AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.
  • UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
  • B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
  • Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
  • Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
  • Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Get out an enjoy nature ... Don't sit around the house..

Submitted by Cathy, Stonington, England

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August 4th Humor Page