Humor Selections for March 6th, 2009


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A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!
  1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
     
  2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''
     
    Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''
     
    Her response - click.
     
  3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
     
    I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
     
    He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
     
  4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada''
     
    I said, ''No.''
     
    She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
     
  5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
     
    When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.
     
    When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
     
  6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
     
    I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
     
    Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
     
  7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
     
    I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
     
    She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
     
    After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , C A is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
     
  8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii?''
     
  9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
     
    I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
     
  10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
     
    I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
     
    She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
     
  11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.

    'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
     
    I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times. and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
     
  12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''
     
    I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
     
    ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady.
     
    After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.'''
     
    The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
     
    So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
      
    The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'

'Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

Note:  While the above gave us a good laugh, they are onto in fact true:  See Snopes:
http://www.snopes.com/travel/trap/congress.asp

 

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An Atheist accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?"

The preacher has no time to reply.

"Well itís a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgment, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"

"Well thank God for that" replied the preacher!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Trivia Part 6
  • In the Congo, one must be very careful not to utter the name of anyone who is out fishing. Certain Congolese think you put such a whammy on the named native that he won't catch anything but flies.
  • There is only one animal that can completely turn its stomach inside out. The starfish.
  • According to scientists, gold exists on Mars, Mercury and Venus.
  • Each day 100 or more whales are killed by fishermen.
  • In the 10th century, the Grand Vizier of Persia took his entire library with him wherever he went. The 117,000-volume library was carried by camels trained to walk in alphabetical order.
  • More than 14 million Bic pens are sold daily in 150 countries. "Bic" is actually a shortened version of founder Marcel Bich's name.
  • P. J. Tierney, father of the modern diner, died of indigestion in 1917 after eating at a diner.
  • A "duffer" is Australian slang for a cattle thief.
  • "Brasco" is Australian slang for "lavatory."
  • The word "gazelle" comes from the Arabian term for "affectionate," and is believed to be inspired by the creature's large, gentle eyes.
  • "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
  • "Singapore" means "City of Lions," but none have ever been seen there.
  • "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
  • 100,000 cubic feet of water pours over the Niagara Falls every second.
  • A "clue" originally meant a ball of thread. Hence, one "unravels" the clues of a mystery.
  • A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time. It is 1/100 of a second.
  • A fireplace is called a "mantelpiece" because at one time people hung their coats (or "mantles") over the fireplace to dry them.
  • The name of the Internet's most popular directory, is an acronym. According to the company, the name "Yahoo" stands for "Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle."
  • If you add together all the numbers on a roulette wheel (1 to 36) the total is the mystical number 666.
  • If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
  • In Albania, nodding the head means "no" and shaking the head means "yes."
  • The original name for the butterfly was "flutterby."
  • The phrase "a red letter day" dates back to 1704, when holy days were marked in red letters in church calendars.
  • The pretzel is named from the Latin word "brachiatus" meaning "having branch-like arms."
  • In the Middle English the word "minister" meant "lowly person." It was originally adopted as a term of humility for men of the church.
  • Levan, Utah is "navel" spelled backwards. It is so named because it is in the middle of Utah.
  • The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat," which means "the king is dead."
  • The word "dreamt" is the only word in the English language that ends in "mt."
  • Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.
  • Talmudists believe Adam and Eve resided in paradise a mere 12 hours before they were kicked out.
  • With few exceptions, birds do not sing while on the ground. They sing during flight or while sitting on an object off the ground.
  • Lewis Carroll wrote 98,721 letters in the last 37 years of his life.
  • Cinderella is known as "Tuna" in Finland.
  • A bear has 42 teeth.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa
 

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Bathroom Happenings - Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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Who's going to pay the bills

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Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.
 

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March 2nd Humor Page