Humor Selections for March 2nd, 2009

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A man is lost in the Sahara desert.

He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.

She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known saying, expression or proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the phrase.  It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. 

  • Don't change horses until they stop running.
  • Strike while the bug is close.
  • It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
  • Never underestimate the power of termites.
  • You can lead a horse to water but How?
  • Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
  • No news is impossible
  • A miss is as good as a Mr.
  • You can't teach an old dog new Math
  • If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
  • Love all, trust Me.
  • The pen is mightier than the pigs.
  • An idle mind is the best way to relax.
  • Where there's smoke there's pollution.
  • Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
  • A penny saved is not much.
  • Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
  • Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
  • Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
  • There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
  • Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
  • If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
  • When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
  • A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

Submitted by Bill, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Trivia Part 5
  • Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
  • In eighteenth-century English gambling dens, there was an employee whose only job was to swallow the dice if there was a police raid.
  • The human tongue tastes bitter things with the taste buds toward the back. Salty and pungent flavors are tasted in the middle of the tongue, sweet flavors at the tip.
  • A sneeze can travel as fast as 100 miles per hour.
  • It is impossible to sneeze and keep one's eyes open at the same time.
  • In 1778, fashionable women of Paris never went out in blustery weather without a lightning rod attached to their hats.
  • In the Balanta tribe of Africa, a bride remained married until her wedding gown was worn out. If she wanted a divorce after 2 weeks, all she had to do was rip up her dress. This was the custom until about 20 years ago, anyway.
  • Marie de Medici, a member of that famous Italian family and a 17th-century queen of France, had expensive tastes in clothes. One special dress was outfitted with 39,000 tiny pearls and 3,000 diamonds, and cost the equivalent of $20 million at the time it was made in 1606. She wore it once.
  • Here is the literal translation of one of the standard traffic signs in China. It reads: "Give large space to the festive dog that makes sport in the roadway."
  • In 1968, a convention of beggars in Dacca, India, passed a resolution demanding that "the minimum amount of alms be fixed at 15 paisa (three cents)." The convention also demanded that the interval between when a person hears a knock at his front door and when he offers alms should not exceed 45 seconds.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A Horses View of the World
  • Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion
  • Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the sensitive tissue of the mouth.
  • Bucking: counterirritant
  • Crossties: gymnastic apparatus
  • Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
  • Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing
  • Grain: Sole virtue of domestication
  • Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength
  • Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den
  • Hot walker: The lesser of two evils
  • Jump: And opportunity for self-expression
  • Latch: Type of puzzle
  • Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay
  • Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding
  • Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds
  • Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner; useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
  • Trainer: Owner with mob connections
  • Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture

Submitted by Layla, Frederick, Md.

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Best video of the year - It doesn't get ANY better than this! - Download Video

Submitted by just about everyone!

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Who's the best mother ...
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.

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Feb 27th Humor Page