Humor Selections for Jan 5th, 2009

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After serious & cautious consideration...

Your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2009!

It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!

My Wish for You in 2009?

  • May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
  • May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of money.
  • May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
  • May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires, and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy.
  • May the problems you had forget your home address!

In simple words ............

May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!

Submitted by my old and good friend Dave, Bolder. Co.

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When a company falls on difficult times...

...., one of the things that seems to happen are they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.

I feel our government should not be immune from similar risks. I therefore am recommending the following cuts to be implemented by the next president elect.

Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State). Also reduce remaining staff by 25%. Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.

Some yearly monetary gains include:

  • $44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.)
  • $97,175,000 for elimination of the above people's staff. (estimate $1.3 Mil in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Mil in staff per each member of the Senate every year)
  • $240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.
  • $7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion / yr)

The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country?

We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.

Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)

Note: Congress did not hesitate to jump on a train for home this week when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.

Summary of opportunity:

  • $ 44,108,400 reduction of congress members.
  • $282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.
  • $150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.
  • $ 59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.
  • $ 37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.
  • $ 7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.
  • $ 8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings.

Big business does these types of cuts all the time.

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin...

[]... it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule

A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.

Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats average $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:

If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are we missing?

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Most people will at least have heard of great oratorio The Messiah - By Handel...

... but have you ever been to a live performance of it? One such performance was being given in Cleckheaton Town Hall many years ago, and old Cuthbert Briggs from Liversedge thought he would like to go. He tried to persuade his wife to go with him, but she wasn't too keen.

'Nay, Cuthbert lad, tha knows it's nowt in my line. Gi' me a bit o' comedy, or a singsong on t' end o' Blackpool pier. No, tha go listen and tell me abaht it when tha comes home.'

So Cuthbert went on his own. He had no idea what to expect, in fact he had never heard of 'The Messiah' - it was just that he fancied doing something a bit different from his usual Saturday night visit to the Sun Inn.

When he got back home his wife was all ears. 'Come on then, tell me all abaht it.'

'Ee, well', said Cuthbert, 'it were all reyt, but not quite what I expected. There won't a lot o' movement on stage. In fact, there won't a lot o' room on stage. It were full o' singers. Ah'd been sat there a bit when in comes a load o' fellas carrin' fiddles. Then they brought in t'biggest fiddle ah,ve ever sin. It were so big they 'ad to wheel it on in castors, an' a little chap rubbed it's belly wi' a stick, an' you should 'ave 'eard it groan. It sounded like cow wi' croup. Well, all t'fiddles joined in an' made such a racket.

Then they settled down an' it all went quiet. After about a minute in comes t'Messiah; well, I think it were 'im, because everybody clapped, an' all t'fiddles stood up to welcome 'im. He were a dapper sort o' bloke, all dolled up in a white weskit wi' a red carnation in 'is button'ole. Yes, I'm sure 'e must 'a bin t'Messiah. Then 'e picked up a little stick an' started wavin' it at everyone on t'stage. They were all starin' at 'im, wondering wot were up. Then they started to sing, and before long they were fratchin' like cats. They wanted to know who were the King O' Glory. First one side said HE were t'king, then t'other side said he were, then they went at it 'ammer an' tongs. But.. it fizzled out in t' end.

Then there were a right ter do abaht some sheep as 'as gone astray. Some of t'singers must a bin partial to a bit o' mutton, because they kept singin. 'O we like sheep.' Personally. I likes a bit o' well done steak, but ne'er mind. Well, ah think as them lost sheep must 'a beloged to one o' t' singers, because 'e stood up an' sed every mountain an' 'ill should be laid low. 'Good', ah thought ter missen, 'if they flatten all t'mountains, they'll be sure ter find t'sheep as 'ah gone astray'. Then t'organist started up an' t'band joined in and by gum, they seemed to be getting' mad o'er summat. T'wat thet were sawin' at them fiddles ah were expectin' 'em to fall apart.

Then, after that all t'women stood up to sing. Believe me, some of 'em were a bit past it, by lookin' at 'em - they must a' bin 70 if the were a day, an they sang 'unto us a child is born', an all t'fellas shouted 'wonderful'. Ah thowt, 'it's a bloomin' miracle!' Then they all composes thesens a bit and sings abaht a woman called Joyce Greatly. A've never 'eard o' her, but apparently she's a daughter of Zion, whoever 'e is.

Ah were getting' a bit fed up b'now, ah'd been sittin' for nearly two hours, when all o' a sudden ah gets a cramp in me leg. Ah jumped out o' me seat, an'… d'yer know? E'rybody else jumped up at t'same time. They must a' got cramp, same as me.

Then t'choir shouted 'Hallelujah, it's going' ter rain for ever and ever'. Well, ah'd never thowt ter bring me brolly, so ah thowt ah'd best get off 'ome afore it started. So, seein' as 'ow ah were on me feet, ah reckon ad 'ad me money's worth.

Anyroadup, it were a good do, but ah do 'ope they find them lost sheep.'

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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The Top Ten George Bush Moments ... Download Video

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Submitted by Jim, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Jan 2nd Humor Page