Humor Selections for September 22nd, 2008

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  • Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.
  • It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  • It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • For every action, there is an equal & opposite government program.
  •  If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
  • Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
  • No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Middle age is when broadness of the mind & narrowness of the waist change places.
  • Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  • Junk is something you've kept for years & throw away three weeks before you need it.
  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends.
  • Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  • If you must choose between two evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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How To Tell That Your New Business May Be Lacking
  • You work for a food company and everyone goes out for lunch.
  • The boss with a terrible cold and flu decides to hold an all morning meeting with the entire office.
  • The company has run out of stamps, has to borrow some from the receptionist.
  • Your new computer screensaver has naked pictures of the customer service manager on it.
  • The other half of the building burned down last night, but since you still have a little electricity, you keep working. But there is such a cold draft coming from that end.
  • The CEO comes into work drunk from the employee party last night.
  • Everybody hits upon you to buy candy for their kid's charity (twenty last week!).
  • The company likes to hire the blind with seeing eye dogs wandering around the place.
  • You get tired of the makeshift bowling alley they put up in the hallway during working hours.
  • There is wine and beer in the vending machines.
  • The family that owns the business is so poor that they are using food stamps at the local Aldi.
  • The boss came into work one day in his pajamas.
  • The office manager still likes acid rock music blaring out of his office.
  • You need a pass to go to the bathroom.
  • A security guard frisks everyone, especially the receptionist, when they come into the building. The CEO frisks everyone, especially the receptionist, when they go out.
  • You find out that for computing, they use digital, five fingers on each hand.

Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Advertising Definitions
  • NEW AND IMPROVED! This cannot be because if a product is new it cannot be already improved.
  • SAME PRODUCT IN NEW PACKAGE. But beware, the new package also included a reduction in ounces for the same price.
  • THIS PRODUCT IS BETTER! Better than what? Is a Lexus better than a little red wagon? Is a steak better than a gristly piece of pig's intestines?
  • THIS IS THE GREATEST ALBUM THAT THIS ARTIST EVER MADE! The rest of them were condemned by the Legion of Decency.
  • THIS MOVIE IS THE GREATEST SINCE "GONE WITH THE WIND". In what way? How about the most times people were forced to go out into the lobby for a breather or the bathroom for a case of morning sickness (even the men)?
  • GREAT BRITAIN. Is it as great as when it defeated the Spanish Armada or endured the Germans in 1940? A true story: Rich Melmon, the brains behind Chicago's "Lettuce Entertain You" restaurant group had a place called "Great Gritzby's Flying Food Show" for a dozen years. When one of his friends remarked that the restaurant had sagged in quality, Melmon changed its name to "Not So Great Gritzbys" and it closed forever in a couple of months. People do believe what you say and do.
  • BETTER THAN EVER! That is because it was never any good in the first place and there is plenty of room to be "Better Than Ever" again someday!
  • OUR BEST SALE OF THE YEAR! Thais means that the stuff on sale is now a little closer to the real value of the item than usual. Also remember 40% off sounds great when the item originally was priced at $100. But when the manufacturer jacks up the retail suggested price to way above its worth in order for discounting, then that 40% isn't so much. Really, the best sale is 100% off.
  • HERE IS A HOUSE FOR SALE THAT WON'T LAST LONG! and A DOLL HOUSE, and other realtor famous phrases. The former means that there are termites crawling up the embers. The latter means that the house is too small to be lived in except by pygmies.
  • BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE. That means that the item is priced so high that you should get two items for the same buck with the store still making a comfortable margin. Also it is a great way to clear the shelves of something that they were forced to stock by the owner's brother-in-law.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Anyone who has pets will really like this.

Mary and her husband Jim had a dog named 'Lucky.' Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing.

Mary or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky's other favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.

It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this fact, she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.

The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won't understand that I didn't want to leave him. The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.

The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable. Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap. Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.

When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. He had covered her with his love.

Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every day.

It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure. every day to the fullest. Each minute is a blessing from God. And never forget....the people who make a difference in our lives are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care for us.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.

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Stunning Photography - Download Slide Show

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Something really amazing happened in Downtown Spokane ...

Joel Armstrong, a loan officer at Sterling Bank, works downtown in a second story office building, overlooking busy Riverside Avenue.

Several weeks ago he watched a mother duck choose the cement awning outside his window as the uncanny place to build a nest above the sidewalk.

The mallard laid nine eggs in a nest in the corner of the planter that is perched over 10 feet in the air. She dutifully kept the eggs warm for weeks and Monday afternoon all of her nine ducklings hatched.

Joel worried all night how the momma duck was going to get those babies safely off their perch in a busy, downtown, urban environment to take to water, which typically happens in the first 48 hours of a duck hatching.

Tuesday morning, Joel came to work and watched the mother duck encourage her babies to the edge of the perch with the intent to show them how to jump off! The mother flew down below and started quacking to her babies above.

In his disbelief Joel watched as the first fuzzy newborn toddled to the edge and astonishingly leapt into thin air, crashing onto the cement below. My brother couldn't watch how this might play out.

He dashed out of his office and ran down the stairs to the sidewalk where the first obedient duckling was stuporing near its mother from the near fatal fall.

Joel looked up. The second duckling was getting ready to jump! He quickly dodged under the awning while the mother duck quacked at him and the babies above. As the second one took the plunge, Joel jumped forward and caught it with his bare hands before it hit the cement. Safe and sound, he set it by the momma and the other stunned sibling, still recovering from its painful leap.

One by one the babies continued to jump to join their anxious family below. Each time Joel hid under the awning just to reach out in the nick of time as the duckling made its freefall.

The downtown sidewalk came to a standstill.

Time after time, Joel was able to catch the remaining 7 and set them by their approving mother.

At this point Joel realized the duck family had only made part of its dangerous journey. They had 2 full blocks to walk across traffic, crosswalks, curbs, and pedestrians to get to the closest open water, the Spokane River.

The onlooking office secretaries then joined in, and hurriedly brought an empty copy paper box to collect the babies. They carefully corralled them, with the mother's approval, and loaded them up into the white cardboard container.

Joel held the box low enough for the mom to see her brood.

He then slowly navigated through the downtown streets toward the Spokane River, as the mother waddled behind and kept her babies in sight.

As they reached the river, the mother took over and passed him, jumping into the river and quacking loudly.

At the water's edge, the Sterling Bank office staff then tipped the box and helped shepherd the babies toward the water and to their mother after their adventurous ride.

All nine darling ducklings safely made it into the water and paddled up snugly to momma duck. Joel said the mom swam in circles, looking back toward the beaming bank workers, and proudly quacking as if to say,

'See, we did it! Thanks for all the help!'

 Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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Sept 19th Humor Page