Humor Selections for Sept 19th, 2008


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A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation...

... turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Quotable Quotes
  • God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece that." -- Anon
  • I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. What do they want, an adorable pancreas? -- Jean Kerr
  • You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home. -- Erma Bombeck
  • Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.-- John Wilmot (Lord Rochester)
  • A woman is like a teabag; you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water. -- Nancy Reagan
  • I hate women because they always know where things are. -- James Thurber
  • You can sort of be married, you can sort of be divorced, you can sort of be living together, but you can't sort of have a baby. -- David Shire
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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If We Were Mares...

Some group of scientists sat around having coffee one morning (even scientists can't think in the morning without coffee!) and came up with the conclusion that humans are the intelligent species..that homo sapiens are far superior in brain power to all of the other world's creatures....

So, my unscientific brain got to thinking about this one day...about how the world could or would be like if we thought and acted more like our horses. This is what I came up with:

That we (mares) should sit at the kitchen table when our new "Journals" came and pick out our men (stallions). These stallions would be only the best that were allowed to reproduce- good looking, intelligent, athletic, healthy and excel in a particular discipline. All others would be gelded.

Hmmmm.

And that we could pick out a different stallion every year without earning a bad reputation!

That we should be allowed to roam around all day and eat (graze), nap, enjoy the outdoors, and socialize with our buddies as pretty pasture ornaments with all our needs taken care of by somebody else!

That "fat" would be considered a desirable asset and prove that we are "easy keepers".

That we should be waited on--our rooms cleaned, and an all you can eat buffet before us everyday.

That we should get new shoes or a pedicure every five to six weeks and our hair done daily.

That we should be chauffeured around when we need to go somewhere in an expensive vehicle designed just for us...oh and with food in front of us while we travel.

That once our babies are weaned they can't move back home.

That we should have better clothes, grooming supplies, living conditions and medical care than the people that take care of us.

Okay, scientists...now who is really smarter???

Submitted by Christy, Berks Co. Pa.
 

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street...

... when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'

'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny Go lden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.

'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
 

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The Conservative Palinguage Guide
  • If youíre a minority and youíre selected for a job over more qualified candidates youíre a "token hire."
  • If youíre a conservative and youíre selected for a job over more qualified candidates youíre a "game changer."
     
  • If you live in an Urban area and you get a girl pregnant youíre a "baby daddy."
  • If youíre the same in Alaska youíre a "teen father." (Actually, according to your own MySpace page youíre an Fín redneck that donít want any kids, but thatís too long a phrase for the evil liberal media to take out of context and flog morning noon and night).
     
  • Black teen pregnancies? A "crisis" in black America.
  • White teen pregnancies? A "blessed event."
     
  • If you grow up in Hawaii youíre "exotic."
  • Grow up in Alaska eating mooseburgers, youíre the quintessential "American story."
     
  • Similarly, if you name you kid Barack youíre "unpatriotic."
  • Name your kid Track, youíre "colorful."
     
  • If youíre a Democrat and you make a VP pick without fulling vetting the individual youíre "reckless."
  • A Republican who doesnít fully vet is a "maverick."
     
  • If you say that for the "first time in my adult lifetime Iím really proud of my country" it makes you "unfit" to be First Lady.
  • If you are a registered member of a fringe political group that advocates secession that makes you "First Dude."
     
  • A DUI from twenty years ago is "old news."
  • A speech given without proper citation from twenty years ago is "relevant information."
     
  • If youíre a man and you decide to run for office despite your wifeís reoccurrence of cancer youíre a "questionable spouse."
  • If youíre a woman and you decide to run for office despite having five kids including a newborn with Downs SyndromeÖ Well, we donít know what that is Ďcause THATíS NOT A FAIR QUESTION TO ASK!
     
  • If you get 18 million people to vote for you in a national presidential primary, youíre a "phoney."
  • Get 100,000+ people to vote you governor of the 47th most populous state in the Union, youíre "well loved."
     
  •  If you are biracial and born in a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs darn near 2 years and 3 major speeches to "get to know you."
  • If youíre white and from a state not connected to the lower 48, America needs 36 minutes and 38 seconds worth of an acceptance speech to know youíre "one of us."
     
  • If you give your wife a dap on stage, itís actually a "terrorist fist jab."
  • If your daughter licks her palm so that she can slick down your youngest childís hair on national TV itís an "adorable moment." (Seriously, forget about abstinence only, teach these folks some grooming skills).
     
  • If your pastor rails against inequality in the United States of America, youíre an "extremist."
  • If your pastor welcomes a sermon by a member of Jews for Jesus who preaches that the killing of Jews by terrorists is a lesson to Jews that they must convert to Christianity, youíre a "fundamentalist."
     
  • If youíre a black man and you use a scholarship to get into college, then work your way up to being the president of the Harvard Law Review, youíre "uppity."
  • If youíre a conservative and your parents pay your way to Hawaii Pacific University . . . you only have four more schools to attend over the next five years before you somehow manage to graduate (it might be five more school over the next five years. No one has yet verified whether or not Palin was actually ever registered at the University of Hawaii at Hilo. But, you know how shady people are who ever attended any kind of school in Hawaii).
     
  • If you spend 18 months building a campaign around the theme of "Change," itís just "empty rhetoric." 
  • If one week before your partyís national convention you SUDDENLY make your candidacy about "Change," thatís "red meat."

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.
 

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So there I was in my kayak, minding my own business - Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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China from the sky - Take 1


 

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Sept 17th Humor Page