Humor Selections for November 24th, 2008

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Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving, but Aren't...
  • "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
  • "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
  • "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
  • "Talk about a huge breast!"
  • "It's Cool Whip time!"
  • "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
  • "Are you ready for seconds yet?"
  • "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
  • "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
  • "Don't play with your meat."
  • "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
  • "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
  • "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
  • "You still have a little bit on your chin."
  • "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
  • "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
  • "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
  • "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
  • "How many are coming?"
  • "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
  • "Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."
  • "How long do I beat it before it's ready
Submitted by just about everyone!

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Only a Southern man can make you feel like a woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lighting. One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.  Then she yelled, 'if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?'

For a moment, there was silence, Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Alabama stood up in the rear of the plane.  He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.  Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.

No one moved.

He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped....

Then he spoke, 'Iron this -- and get me a beer.'

Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Pa.

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Political Correctness & The Horse Community

The horse world is dreadfully guilty of political incorrectness. Citizens, we can fix this!

  • From now on, the rider who came in 128th out of 127 competitors isn’t a major loser; he’s ribbon-deprived.
  • We’ll refer to awful jumpers as potential dressage horses and horrid dressage horses will be called event prospects (oh, wait, we’ve been doing that for years anyway).
  • Prominent horsepeople who go to jail for tax evasion are, um, ethically challenged.
  • Judges who make stupid decisions are myopically magnificent.
  • A twitch is a lip tourniquet.
  • Instructors, refrain from telling any student that she has a bad seat. Instead, tell this rider that she has astronomical potential for butt improvement.
  • A horse that always crashes through the jumps is merely in touch with his personal sense of gravity. Likewise, a bad mover isn’t an eggbeater with legs --- he’s kinetically challenged.
  • A horse who won’t go forward is a whoa-overachiever.
  • Waterlogged showgrounds are humidity super-enriched.

There! See what a positive place your barn can be?

Problem: the term ‘politically incorrect’ is politically incorrect. It’s too critical. The whole point is to single out someone’s most sensitive trouble area and then simultaneously glorify the fortitude it takes to overcome the matter while completely avoiding any clear reference to the actual problem. Hey, we’re truth-impaired, but we’re sensitive! A better term for politically incorrect would be ‘socially under-euphemismed.’

Like the political correctness craze, the trend toward uber-safety has affected the equestrian world. Riders are advised to sleep with their helmets on. Just because. Horses who routinely buck their riders off should also wear certified helmets just in case a falling equestrian impacts at a high rate of speed with an equine noggin. In fact, goggles might a good idea for horses that buck; riders are just full of sharp edges like fingernails and elbows and a poke in the eye can be quite painful.

In an attempt to promote better safety for horses and riders, here are some new warning labels to consider:

  • Do not place haynet over head while skydiving or eating corn on the cob.
  • Warning: insect repellent may infringe upon the constitutional rights of the insect community. Consult attorney before spraying.
  • Please remove riding shirt before placing in dryer.
  • When saddle-breaking three-year-old horses, apply leg sparingly. If swelling or redness of rider occurs, discontinue immediately and seek professional trainer.
  • Warning! Surface of arena is closer than it appears. Much, much closer.
  • Inflate ponies to 50 psi when cold.
  • Do not affix jumper cables to your big toes when engine is on. (This has nothing to do with horses; it’s just plain good advice.)

Submitted by Christy, Berks County

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A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend...

... and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Children learn from what they see ...

When you thought I wasn't looking...

  • I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.
  • I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.
  • I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.
  • I heard you say a prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.
  • I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.
  • When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing, and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.
  • I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have to take care of w hat we are given.
  • I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good, and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.
  • I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.
  • I saw that you cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.
  • I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.
  • I looked at you and wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.'
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed!

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Canadian Police Chase ... Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Nov 21st humor Page