Humor Selections for November 21st, 2008

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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity...

..., looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed, driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the darned ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening...

.... with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl

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Music Appreciation

Two elderly ladies attend an outdoor classic music concert. It's nice, but they don't know the names of the pieces, and cannot find a program. Then as the chorus and orchestra join together for some Handel, one says "Look, dear, there's a notice next to the stage. Maybe that's the program."

So her friend struggles to her feet, goes and looks at the notice, comes back with a big smile and says. "You were right! It's the refrain from 'spitting'."

Husband and wife are in the butcher's, who always has classic music playing. They're looking at the cuts of meat trying to decide what to get, when the wife looks up, motioning with her head to the speaker on the wall and says "What's that?"

"The Tales of Hoffman," replies the butcher.

The husband, still staring at the display, says "You know how to cook those?"

A young opera lover says to his girlfriend, "I'd love to see Madame Butterfly."

The friend, who is prepared to give him some leeway, replies, "Well, if you want. But only if her husband's home."

"I see 'The Flying Dutchman' is coming soon."

"Oh, Good! I love Andre Rieu."

As they walk up the path, a couple in their smartest clothes are asked by their nosey neighbor, "Well, look at you two! And where are we going this evening?"

"Off to Mozart's 40th," replies the wife.

"Isn't that lovely. Give him my best wishes. Friend of your son's, is he?"

Eight-year-old Granddaughter is taken to The Magic Flute. On the way home she's asked, "Did you like that?"

"Oh, yes, it was lovely, but different to what I imagined."

"Why? What did you think it would be like?"

"I thought it would have something to do with what mum says when she has champagne. She says she pours it into her magic flute. "

"We had music appreciation at school today."

"Was it good?"

"Yeah, not bad. We had music by Bert Hogan."

"Never heard of him. What kind of stuff does he write?"

"Classics, of course. You know, the piece that starts d d d dah…."

After listening to Schoenberg's 'transfigured night', the spouse says "I get it. He was on LSD"

Submitted by classical music lover Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia!

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The Best Golfisms Ever!
  • If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take up at a much earlier age.
  • The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
  • Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  • When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
  • No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
  • Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
  • When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
  • If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out,
  • you have two options: You can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
  • The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
  • The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
  • If it ain't broke, try changing you grip.
  • Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.
  • Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
  • It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50 foot putt when you are lying 10.
  • Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
  • Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
  • It's not a gimme if you're still away.
  • The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
  • There are two kinds of bounces: Unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
  • You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
  • To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back swing by his handicap. Example: Back swing 30 mph, handicap 20, downswing 600 mph.
  • There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands:
  • How many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
  • Hazards attract: Fairways repel.
  • You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
  • If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
  • Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now the Alphabet:

  • A's for arthritis;
  • B's the bad back,
  • C's the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
  • D is for dental decay and decline,
  • E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
  • F is for fissures and fluid retention,
  • G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
  • H . high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
  • I . for incisions with scars you can show.
  • J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
  • K is for knees that crack when they bend.
  • L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
  • M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
  • N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
  • O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
  • P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
  • just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
  • Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
  • R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
  • S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
  • T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
  • U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
  • V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
  • W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
  • X is for X ray, and what might be found.
  • Y for another year I'm left here behind,
  • Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Come to Australia  ... Download Video

Sorry Lindsay ... we couldn't resist!

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Just a little bit closer ... closer ...


Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg Md.

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Nov 19th humor Page