Humor Selections for November 10th, 2008

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A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

  1. the condor
  2. the buzzard
  3. the cuckoo
  4. the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was, well--blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

'I need an answer,' said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.' 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

And Meredith replied, 'That answer is. Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you,' said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?' 'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa

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Why engineers don't write recipe books.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients:

  • 532.35 cm3 gluten
  • 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
  • 4.9 cm3 refined halite
  • 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
  • 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
  • 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
  • 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
  • Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
  • 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
  • 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)


To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnstonís first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Top 10 Signs Your Boss Is Spying On You

  1. Wherever you go you're followed by a potted plant in loafers.
  2. The bracelet he gave you for Christmas beeps if you leave your cubicle.
  3. Office coffee has hint of hazelnut and sodium pentothal.
  4. Your name: "Sam." Next to your parking spot: "Reserved for the guy following Sam."
  5. Find yourself getting tasered more than with previous bosses.
  6. Your new secretary looks a lot like that chick from "Alias."
  7. Instead of photos of wife and kids on his desk, he has a photo of you sleeping.
  8. When you're alone in the men's room, a voice tells you to quit blocking the lens.
  9. Boss critical of typos in your personal e-mails.
  10. The fax machine just coughed.
Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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What can ruin a restful evening.

You have had a hard day, so you sit in the easy chair ready for television and then......

  • A large television crew knocks on the door with a big cardboard check and a van with "Publisher's Shifty Magazine Outlet House" on it, and you doze off instead.
  • A bulletin comes up on the television saying that your car model has been recalled for unexplained explosions while parked in a garage.
  • Your dog gets stuck under the foot rest of your raised recliner and starts yelping.
  • You notice that the toilet is running for the past two hours.
  • A telemarketer calls and tells you that for only $15 a month, you could have dental root canal insurance.
  • Both of your cats decide to have a fight on your lap.
  • As you doze off, you hear about a fire in your town, and then you realize that burning house is yours.
  • Your radio finishes its program of "Musical Meditations" and now it's time for the ""Steel Drum Rap Hour".
  • Your last beer explodes in the fridge.
  • Your football game between the Vikings and the Forty-Niners has been cancelled due to no fan interest.

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How my little brother died - Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed

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That moment 'just' before the pain begins...





Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Nov 7th Humor Page