Humor Selections for November 7th, 2008

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The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said...

..., 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your Friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??"

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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How to tell that your old incumbent shouldn't run for mayor again:
  • After nodding through the council meetings he has to be wheeled to his job as a mailman.
  • His new advisory committee came from Luigi's cell at the federal pen.
  • Many of the little children came to his house on Halloween. and did not return for days.
  • At a ribbon cutting ceremony, he snipped the wrong ribbon and cut off power to the neighborhood for three hours.
  • He cannot cut hair at his barber shop after he forgot to give himself a business license.
  • He cannot find the city hall on most days, and he was driven there by his wife of 65 years.
  • He constantly has to be told that he is neither Democratic or Republican, but he cannot find "Whig" on his Rolodex.
  • He agrees with most of the policies of the President---President Taft.
  • During the last election results he yelled "yahoo" when he thought that he had won. Actually he was watching the clothes dryer in the laundromat.
  • He thought that the write-ins for him on the last ballot were for him. Actually they said "Get out of politics, you old fogy!"

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Over the past eight years Bush has provided us with endless amusement...

... as a result of his faux pas or ‘Bushisms' as they've been dubbed. Here are twenty favorites.

  • "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." - Nov. 28, 2005
  • "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." - Sept. 6, 2000
  • "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." - Dec. 19, 2000
  • "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." - Aug. 30, 2000
  • "I think we agree, the past is over." - May 10, 2000
  • "I understand small business growth. I was one." - Feb. 19, 2000
  • "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." - April 23, 2002
  • "I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody." - Jan. 18, 2001
  • "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." - Jan. 3, 2000
  • "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." - Oct. 5, 2002
  • "I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." - June 18, 2002
  • "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." - May 25, 2004
  • "I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society." - Aug. 13, 2002
  • "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002
  • "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." - Oct. 8, 2004
  • "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - Sept. 29, 2000
  • "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004
  • "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - Jan. 11, 2000
  • "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - Jan. 27, 2000
  • "They misunderestimated me." - Nov. 6, 2000

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Md.

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Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you.

I have some Southern folks up here in Heaven who are causing some problems ... They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair!

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call Lucifer."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Oh, hold on!"

The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute!" and puts the Lord on Hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back again. Now, what was the question?"

The Lord said, "I said, what kind of problems are you having down there?".

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on........., Lord"!!!! This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Southerners done put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British airmen...

... found themselves as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the crown was casting-about for ways and means to facilitate their escape. Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and accurate map, one showing not only where-stuff-was, but also showing the locations of 'safe houses' where a POW on-the-lam could go for food and shelter. Paper maps had some real drawbacks, they make a lot of noise when you open and fold them, they wear-out rapidly, and if they get wet, they turn into mush.

Someone in MI-5 (Military intelligence-internal) got the idea of printing escape maps on silk. It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever. At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its bit for the war effort. By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U. K. Licensee for the popular American board game, Monopoly.

As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE packages', dispatched by the International Red Cross, to prisoners of war. Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees began mass-producing escape maps, keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps were located (Red Cross packages were delivered to prisoners in accordance with that same regional system). When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece.

As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:

  1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass
  2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together
  3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!

British and American air-crews were advised, before taking off on their first mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set ----- by means of a tiny red dot, one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the corner of the Free Parking square! Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets.

Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government might want to use this highly successful ruse in still another, future war.

The story wasn't de-classified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honoured in a public ceremony.

Anyway, it's always nice when you can play that 'Get Out of Jail Free' card!

Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Amazing Japanese Mall fountain  ... Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Nov 5th humor Page