Humor Selections for May 9th, 2008

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

New jokes posted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
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A man went to the cinema. As he sat down to watch the film and his eyes...

... got accustomed to the dark, he noticed a dog sitting on the seat beside him. He was somewhat bemused but decided to try and ignore the dog.

As the film progressed he noticed that the dog was reacting appropriately to the scenes. For laughter the dog wagged his tail and barked, for sadness he dropped his ears and whimpered, for violence he growled and bared his teeth. At the end of the film the audience applauded and the dog got up on all paws and barked and wagged his tail.

The man turned to another who appeared to be the dog's owner and said, "Wow, that was a great film, and what an intelligent dog you have there. Frankly, I'm amazed."

"So am I," replied the owner. "He thought the book was terrible."

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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day...

..., and all the patients were shouting...13...13....13...13..

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'

Submitted by Dewey Pensacola, Fl.

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Job Hunter’s Blues
  • You realize that the Employment Staffing rep is young enough to be your grandson—in fact, he is your grandson!
  • He wanted your resume type with MS Word. You typed it instead on an Olivetti.
  • The last time you were looking for a job, you wanted customer service. Today it’s called a Facilitation Engineer II.
  • You arrive at the meeting at the agency in a neatly blue suit with stripes and a power tie. Your job agent meets you in Dockers, flip-flops, and a tee shirt with an energy drink logo on the front called "MachoPowerSlurpeeAid."
  • In the old days, a husband/wife team ran your employment agency with twenty years experience looking for positions from companies like R.J. Ruckers and Sons. Today your employment Service/staffing group is on a top floor of the Chrysler Building and they own R.J. Ruckers and Sons.
  • Your old agency had people running it who were involved in business for fifteen years or more. Today’s agency employs people to think that they know more than you do and just graduated from DeVry Tech with a degree in "general knowledge."
  • You know that you are in trouble when each of the jobs you were at previously were giants in the industry but do not exist any longer. Their records were bought by a illicit company that just wants your identity information and social security number.
  • You are invited to a group meeting of a large prospective employer. You are then given a five-minute speech about the company, photographed and fingerprinted and told to go through door one, two or three. One is to an employment office. Two is to the cafeteria. Three is toward the parking lot through the boiler room.
  • Upon reaching the agency, you are told to go down a long hallway. Each office on both sides of you can be heard shrieks, blaring music and obscenities. If you can make it to the door at the end of the hall, they know that you can handle stress. If you start shrieking, swearing and singing, you failed. Then you realize that the sounds came from local televisions set up along the wall.
  • You misunderstood the man on the phone and come job hunting with a pith helmet and a shotgun. He hires you immediately because of your creative thinking
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois

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Items From the Food Periodic Table
  • Rh: Rhubarb - Purple element with no apparent use. Rhumored to be edible.
  • Co: Coffee - Mixes well with Hf: Half & Half, Sg: Sugar, & Ir: Irish Whiskey
  • V: Velveeta - Bland substance commonly associated with a mobile property.
  • Ds: Diet soda - Lightweight element mistakenly believed to reduce density in other elements.
  • Uuh: Unidentifiable - What elements turn into when refrigerated for more than 14 days.
  • Li: Limburger - A radioactive substance with a half-life of about a day.
  • Fr: Frankfurter - Tubular comestible, indigenous to fairs and stadiums, no recognizable nutritional value. Forms stable compounds with B: Bun, Md: Mustard, K: Ketchup, O: Onions, and R: Relish. Can also be combined with S: Sauerkraut, but beware of hazardous byproduct, excessive methane production.

... and the #1 Item From the Food Periodic Table ...

  • Pr: Produce - Unstable element which always eventually changes state from solid to liquid.
Submitted by Dewey Pensacola, Fl.

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One Liners to Make You Smile
  • My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
  • I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
  • Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
  • Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  • NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
  • God must love stupid people; He made so many.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
  • Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
  • Procrastinate Now?
  • I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
  • A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  • A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
  • Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
  • They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
  • He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
  • A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
  • Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
  • I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Red state - Blue state -  Redneck logic! Download Video

Warning ... the characters in the video use one profane word once in the video,
so if that concerns you, please do not download the video.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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May 7th Humor Page