A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane...
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a
'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned
to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed
two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to defecate all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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|Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 69
"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... I'm going to use my check to buy enough gas to drive to the bank and cash it. And then maybe back. The
rebates were pushed through by the president to help get the economy going. It's kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until
the cupcakes are gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It's thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who
works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there." --Craig Ferguson
"And Barack Obama is suffering from a bad headache today. His former pastor, Reverend Wright, is back out there. Reverend Wright gave an interview earlier tonight on
PBS with Bill Moyers, and he said he's gotten over a million emails and phone calls telling him to keep on speaking out, and every one of them came from Hillary Clinton. It was amazing." --Jay
"I like John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He looks like the guy that forgets to roll up his windows at the car wash. ... He looks like the guy who yells 'Okay, who
touched the darkness control on the toaster?'" --David Letterman
"Big day at the White House today. I've got to mention this. Today, at the White House, President Bush was busy. President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this
Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment when, during the ceremony, Bush said, 'This is a great day for all Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Well, campaigning in Indiana today, Hillary Clinton, once again, up to her old tricks. She told the crowd that she's a lifelong Colts fan, and recalled that when she
was a little girl, her father taught her how to drive an Indy car. 'I remember racing around at the track.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush says that the $300 rebate we've been promised, the rebate checks from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It's nice. Good news, yeah.
Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. You're right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We're screwed" --Conan O'Brien
"And of course, the really good news for liberals, Hillary Clinton won Pennsylvania! I remember when she used to be the big liberal. I guess things have changed. But
she did, come on, you've gotta give it up for Hillary. She won it, again. I know, it's pesky. She keeps winning. She won in Pennsylvania, and the next day, she raised 10 million dollars.
That's a lot of lolly. And her supporters said they would have donated that money sooner, but there was a purse at Nordstrom they just had to have." --Bill Maher
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|A travel agent looked up from his desk and saw an older lady and an older gentleman...
... peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the
dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop.
"I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly
accepted and were off!
About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency.
"And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
Submitted by my friend Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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About Aging, My Little
|What Computer Acronyms Really Mean
- ISDN = It Still Does Nothing
- APPLE = Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
- IBM = I Blame Microsoft
- DEC = Do Expect Cuts
- CA = Constant Acquisitions
- CD-ROM = Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
- OS/2 = Obsolete Soon, Too.
- SCSI = System Can't See It
- DOS = Defunct Operating System
- BASIC = Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
- WWW = World Wide Wait
- MACINTOSH = Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs
Submitted by John, Waynesboro, Pa.
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|We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points
(1) There is no need to panic. (2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that
we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days. STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car. STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain
there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most
important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements: (1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you
hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, Under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand,
to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of
shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless
bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your
house to pay for them.
Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure
of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives,
etc... You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at Your
driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you
will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible
minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the Following supplies
- 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
- Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
- 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
- A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
- A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
- $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television
and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.
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Submited by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md
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May 5th Humor Page