Humor Selections for July 11th, 2008

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Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant...

... who inspected his Marines and told the 'Gunny' that they smelled bad.

The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The Gunny responded, 'Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately'.

He went into the barracks and said, 'The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear.

Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie, Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it'.

The moral:

A candidate may promise change in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed ...

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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

...and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

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Geezer Golf

Four very old retired Navy geezers came into the Army-Navy Club pro shop in Arlington, Virginia after playing 18 holes of golf. They were a bit exhausted. The pro asked, "Did you gents have a good game today?"

The first old feller said, "Oh, I had three riders today."

The second bent over guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old man said, "I did about the same. I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last ancient sport said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today. Aren't you fellers proud of me?"

After they went into the men's locker room, an elderly lady club member that had heard the old gents telling of their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf here for 40 years and thought I knew all the terminology of the game,..... but what in the world is a rider?"

You're going to love this....

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.

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Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate...

... is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.

Then, little Bobby Joe, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A guy in a bar was talking about how he always watched his wedding video backwards.

When asked why, he replied:

"Coz I love the end bit where she takes the ring off her finger, goes back down the aisle, and jumps in the car and disappears..."

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER.

The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's".

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Chronological Map of WW2 - Download

This is a slide show map of the European theater in ww2.  This is one of the most fascinating presentations of WWII that I have ever seen

I thought it was interesting, especially for a WW2 or history buff

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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If you ever wanted to give up, take a look at this gal!

Makes you think how easily we give up sometimes

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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July 9th Humor Page