Humor Selections for July 9th, 2008

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Two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle...

..., who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do. The water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Truth is at hand. Words of greater wisdom here
  • Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.... But then I repeat myself. -Mark Twain
  • I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -Winston Churchill
  • A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -.George Bernard Shaw
  • A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -G Gordon Liddy
  • Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
  • Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
  • Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
  • Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801- 1850)
  • Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986)
  • I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers
  • If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'Rourke
  • In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764)
  • Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)
  • No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)
  • Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. - Unknown
  • The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald Reagan
  • The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill
  • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark Twain
  • The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820- 1903)
  • There is no distinctly Native American criminal Congress. - Mark Twain
  • What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
  • A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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You Might Be a Nurse If ...
  • When using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
  • Your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
  • Everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
  • You want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
  • You can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
  • You can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
  • You use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass.

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Of course, the big thing is Hillary Clinton is now campaigning with and for Barack Obama. Are you aware of this? That they actually go out on the campaign trail together? And during the day, Hillary and Barack will attend functions, various functions on the campaign trail. Then at night, they go back to separate hotels. Now wait a minute. No, that's Hillary and Bill" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big ruling coming out of the Supreme Court now. They have ruled individuals have the right to carry guns. Yeah. But now listen, seriously. Don't think you can just go into a gun store and buy a gun. No, no, no. There is still a strict 15-minute waiting period." --David Letterman

"I got a little riddle for you before we start the show. What's got two legs, a cabinet and 207 days left to be president? Give up? It's still-President George W. Bush! And he remains as committed as ever to his 'I don't talk to no terrorist' policy [on screen: Bush talking about how some people believe the U.S. 'should negotiate with the terrorists and radicals']. Phooey. When it comes to the war on terror, Bush is no Neville Chamberlain, no weak-kneed, panty-waist English appeaser. He's Wilt Chamberlain, dominating the paint, running the give-and-go, telling the terrorists, no, not in my house!" --Jon Stewart

"But John McCain, here's what he likes to do on the weekends. He sits on the porch in front of the house looking for out-of-state license plates." --David Letterman

"I guess there was one small incident where [Hillary] jumped behind the wheel of the bus and tried to run [Obama] over. Other than that, Hillary and Barack seem to be getting along very well." --Jimmy Kimmel

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Employee safety around the world - Download Power Point Slide Show

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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July 7th Humor Page