Humor Selections for Jan 11th, 2008

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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard ...

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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Doctors: What they say & What they really mean!
  • "This should be taken care of right away." - "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."
  • "Well, what have we here ..." Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the doctor is hoping you will give him a clue.
  • "We'll see." - "First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
  • "Let me check your medical history." -"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."
  • "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."  -1) "I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time." 2) "I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
  • "I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor." - "I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
  • "Hmmmmmmmm." -Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt. (Proctologist also say this a lot.)
  • "We have some good news and some bad news." - The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you're going to pay for it.
  • "Let's see how it develops."  -"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
  • "Let me schedule you for some tests." -"I have a 40% interest in the lab."
  • "How are we today?"  -"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
  • "I'd like to prescribe a new drug." - "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."
  • "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." - "I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
  • "That's quite a nasty looking wound." -"I think I'm going to throw up."
  • "This may smart a little." -"Last week two patients bit through their tongues."
  • "This should fix you up." - "The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."
  • "Everything seems to be normal." -"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
  • "I'd like to run some more tests."  -"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one."
  • "Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?" -He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees.
  • "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." -"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.
Submitted by Dory, Pittsburgh, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 60

"A congressman from Florida, 52-year-old Mark Foley, resigned today because of questionable e-mails he wrote to a former male page. The page was 16-years-old at the time. Out of force of habit, the Catholic Church offered to move him to another parish." --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Oprah Winfrey said she wants Senator Barack Obama to be the next president. When Oprah heard that Obama doesn't want to be president, she parted the clouds and said, 'Oprah has spoken'." --Conan O'Brien

"In an interview with Mike Wallace about his new book, legendary Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward said that Henry Kissinger is now advising President Bush on Iraq, and they're trying to fight the Vietnam War all over again. Hey, why not? Bush missed it the first time." --Jay Leno

"President Bush on Tuesday dismissed the finger-pointing criticism from Bill Clinton that the Bush administration had not been vigorous enough in going after Osama bin Laden, adding, 'We'll let history judge.' Oh, it has. It's in this book [on screen: The 9/11 Commission Report]. You commissioned it." --Seth Meyers

"In wake of the George Allen controversy, Virginia Democratic Senate challenger Jim Webb declined to say on Tuesday whether he ever used the 'N' word. But it did not help his case when he asked, 'Does it count if it was in Scrabble?'." --Seth Meyers

"Al Gore told the United Nations that cigarette smoking is a significant contributor to global warming. To be fair, you have to blame us, the non-smokers. We're the ones that made them go outside, right?." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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One day the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting...

... of one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened. The rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! and thin no more!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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How to blow a deer off a frozen lake - Download Video

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor, Ed.

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Sign of the times

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Jan 9th Humor Page