Humor Selections for April 4th, 2008

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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big Radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up &down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes ....." he replied -

She sells C cells by the sea shore!"

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.

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A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty...

... (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.

"While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard ... he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique," replied the guard with a wink. "First you must take her into the water, stand very close behind her then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." interrupted the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved riding horses all our lives. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's horseback riding there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb!"

"Who is it ?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Barb - - it's me, Rose." "You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's horseback riding in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Even better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're scheduled to lead the trail ride up here next Tuesday."

Submitted by Heather, Unionville, Pa.

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Oprah Winfrey goes to Dr. Phil and confides in him:

"I just can't seem to keep my weight down," she sobs. "I've tried Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Slim Fast, Hollywood, Atkins, and a thousand other diets and none of them have lasting results. I've even tried hypnotherapy, acupuncture, & coffee enemas and still no success. Can you help me?"

Dr. Phil says: "I think I can help you, but first there's something I need to check out. Take off all of your clothes and get down on your hands and knees."

Having tried all other remedies and not wanting to show her lack of faith in the Doc, she obeys, strips down to her B'day suit and plops down on the floor.

"Now crawl over by the fireplace and hold that position for 5 minutes." says the Doc.

He stares at her from many different angles and then finally says, "Okay, Get Dressed and come back tomorrow."

The next day, Oprah comes back and Dr Phil gives her the same instructions, but this time he has her crawl over by a plant and hold the position for 5 minutes.

"Again he walks around the room looking at her from all angles and rubbing his chin in deep thought. After 5 minutes he has her get dressed and tells her to come back the following day.

This goes on for three more days and Oprah has stripped and crawled by the French doors, the throw rug, the desk and she's getting pretty steamed about now. She finally gets dressed and says:

"Look Doc, I've tried lots of crazy stuff in my life to lose weight, but how is crawling around naked on your floor going to help me lose weight"?

Dr. Phil rubs his chin and says: "Oh it won't, but I'm buying an overstuffed black leather sofa for my office and I wanted to see where it would look best."

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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You're poorer then you thinkDownload Video

Submitted by Dave, Bolder Co.

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Only in New York ...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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April 2nd Humor Page