Humor Selections for April 2nd, 2008

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You might be a redneck pilot if:
  • Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
  • You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
  • Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
  • You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
  • You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
  • You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
  • You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
  • You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".
  • You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.
  • You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
  • You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
  • Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the landing gear.
  • You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
  • You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years.
  • There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
  • There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
  • You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.
  • You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
  • You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
  • You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
  • You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
  • There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
  • The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals
  • Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Political science for dummies
  • Democratic - you have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
  • Republican - You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
  • Socialist - You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
  • Communist - You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
  • Capitalism, American style - You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
  • Bureaucracy, American style - You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
  • American corporation - You have two cows . You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
  • French corporation - You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
  • Japanese corporation - You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
  • German corporation - You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
  • Italian corporation - You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
  • Russian corporation  - You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. Taliban corporation
  • You have all the cows in afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the us government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
  • Iraqi corporation - You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
  • Polish corporation You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
  • Belgian corporation - You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
  • Florida corporation - You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
  • California corporation - You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness...

..., a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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This Year's Stupid People Award Winners
  • Britney Spears & Eminem - Who, combined, have written more books than they’ve read.
  • Dr. Phil McGraw - Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most high-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.
  • America's Oil Companies - For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don't mix.
  • Bill Gates - For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.
  • The Editors of Maxim - For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.
  • Jared - Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.
  • That 300 Pound Guy - Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 64

"Boy, there is nothing but disasters in the news. It's unbelievable. Floods in the Midwest, fires in Texas, the Democratic Party -- it's just unbelievable. To give you an idea how bad the Democrats are doing, in a stunning reversal, John McCain now 10% ahead of Hillary Clinton and 7% ahead of Barack Obama. And this is after Iraq, a recession, and no health care. Imagine how far ahead he'd be if the Republicans had actually done something." --Jay Leno

"A new CNN poll just came out about the campaign. Interesting results. ... A new study shows that wine drinkers prefer Hillary Clinton to the other candidates. Yeah, after hearing this, Bill Clinton asked, 'How much wine have they had?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Spring is finally here! Spring, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, and Eliot Spitzer turns to the Yellow Pages." --Bill Maher

"President Bush's approval rating has reached a record low -- 31%. Wow. His popularity is so low now, on his Facebook page, he only has imaginary friends." --Jay Leno

"In New Jersey today, there were dangerous winds, with gusts up to 50 miles an hour. The winds were so strong that they blew former Governor McGreevey off his chauffeur." --Conan O'Brien

"New York's new governor, David Paterson, he made history this week. He's black, he's blind and he's hornier than the last guy. ... He hadn't taken his hand off the Bible when they swore him in before he admitted to having multiple affairs. See, this is what women don't get about the male sex drive. He was blind and he still wanted to see other people." --Bill Maher

"Anyway, critics are pouring over Osama bin Laden's latest audio tape. Simon called it pretentious. Paula said it was not his best work. And Randy said, 'Dog, it's just not working for me.'" --Jay Leno

"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien

"The good news is ... on YouTube, the Obama speech now is getting watched more than the clips of the pastor. ... The bad news is that it's still far behind the footage of Spitzer's hooker on 'Girls Gone Wild.'" --Bill Maher

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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During World War II the Army Corps of Engineers...

... needed to hide the Lockheed Burbank Aircraft Plant to protect it from a Japanese air attack.  They covered it with camouflage netting  to make it look like a rural subdivision from the air.












Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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March 31st Humor Page