Humor Selections for Oct 12th, 2007

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Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband...

... "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered. "How could you think I would forget?" Whereupon he left for the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Arbor Day' in all my life!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

(Please, someone, make a note and send me an e-mail on July 23rd to keep me from doing this ... Mike)

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A guy comes home from work and over dinner asks his wife...

... “Oh, by the way, have you heard the story about the dirty window?”

“No,” she says, “what about it?”

“Oh, there’s no point in telling you, you wouldn’t see through it anyway.”

She looked quite put out for a few moments, but then the light dawned. “Oh! That’s really good. I can’t wait to tell the girls at bridge tomorrow.”

So as they sit down at Federation square she says to the other thee women at her table, “Now let’s see. Have you heard about…” she pauses as she tries to remember, “…about the window you can’t see through?”

“No,” they chorus, “What about it?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t get it anyway. It’s too dirty to tell.”

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion...

... he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 56

"You know Bill O'Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. ... He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton -- he must have lost a bet -- and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant and a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers" --Bill Maher

"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers

"The Democrats had a very big week this week. They tacked a hate crimes bill onto the war spending bill. ... Apparently, attacks on gays, they said, is also actually terrorism. I don't have time to explain how this bill works, but next year, General Petraeus will be eligible for a Tony." --Bill Maher

"During a speech at Columbia University Monday, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that there are no homosexuals in Iran. As proof, he pointed out that the Iranian version of the Village People are just some people who live in a village." --Seth Meyers

"The president of Iran was the laughing stock of the world this week when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, when he got on his Iranian airways jet to fly back home, the male flight attendant didn't speak to him the whole way. ... That's a pretty awful place to be gay. Did you know homosexuals are executed in Iran? ... But only if a homosexual act either between two men or two women is witnessed by four or more other men. That shows you the difference in our culture. ... Like in Iran, two women having sex witnessed by four men, that's called a capital crime. See, here, that would be called a bachelor party." --Jay Leno

"In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she's never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to." --Jay Leno

"Congress has been having hearings this week concerning the increasing number of late airline flights. Congress said they may have to intervene in order to help the airlines improve. And really, who better than Congress to show you how to make your business run more efficiently?" --Jay Leno

Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A young boy had just got his driver's license and inquired of his father...

... if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car"

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided to go for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went into the study, where his father said,

Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked every where they went"?

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Hilary Ambivalence Syndrome - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.

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Oct 8th Humor Page