All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria" - and singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor.

"I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"

"It's - The Moron Tap-an-Apple Choir"

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... holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again.  "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."  The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.  "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Also submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
 

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And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries... Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

In Albany, New York:

Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

On the grave in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent ...
Until I know which way you went.

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This is happening right here in our own country! We Must Stop This Immediately!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about t he poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much!

Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

Please pass this on to everyone you know as soon as possible so we can get this conspiracy stopped!

PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts -- they are smaller than they once were.

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How do they do it?

Also submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
 

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Oct 5th Humor Page