Humor Selections for March 9th, 2007

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A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes", answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.

When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go then?", the man asks.

"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".

The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.

The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.

Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.

The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.

The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.

"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Laws of the Natural Universe
  • Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
  • Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  • Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  • Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
  • Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
  • Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
  • Law of the Bath : When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  • Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
  • Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
  • Law of the yard sale: When trying to prove to someone that the item you're selling will work, it won't.
  • Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
  • Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
  • Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  • Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers
  • Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
  • Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
  • Law of the Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
  • Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
  • Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

And, my personal favorite,

  • The Law of Wal-Mart: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop carrying it.

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola Florida

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Today marks my first year anniversary on my little 17-acre farm ...

...  my first year anniversary keeping horses at home. Here are 70 things that I learned my first year. Don't ask me how I know.  (Author unknown)

  1. A horse will respect two thin wires of electric fence. If and when he wants to.
  2. "Break away" barriers are good things. Gates, fences, halters and even support beams should all be engineered to "give" when under pressure from a 1,300 lb horse with a big spook.
  3. Kindness is still the most powerful force. Win his heart and the mind follows. And all four hooves, too.
  4. You can't fight the weather. Live with it. Prepare for it. Don't ignore it and don't forget it. Sometimes the weather screams at you to hunker down and stay inside. Do it.
  5. Life is hard. Don't underestimate the physical challenge of life. Get in shape. Life weights. Eat right. Run. Develop good cardiac health & a foundation of strength. And yes, that IS fair.
  6. Play. Life is hard (see #s 4 and 5 above). When it lets up, find time to play. Life is also short and the time for enjoyment fleeting. Ride horses. Ride bikes. Read books. Go fishing. Play a game. Have fun!
  7. Be flexible. The old adage, "fix it once," is wrong. You may have to fix it 100 different ways, 100 different times. Life changes. You change. The frickin' weather changes. Don't invest too much money thinking you are only going to fix this once. Fix it now. Keep a reserve. You may have to dig it up and fix it again. That does not mean you did it wrong.
  8. Water freezes at 32-degrees Fahrenheit. Every Time.
  9. The most beautiful sunrises & sunsets happen on cloudy days ... but not too cloudy. Too many clouds obscure the events entirely. But a clear day affords a bland sky. The most spectacular sunrise slips through just a bit of cloud cover.
  10. Sometimes all you have to do is HOLD A CROP. It's amazing how things seem to go your way when you just have it in your hand.
  11. Don't wear your best running shoes out to the barn. And if you do, throw them away after.
  12. Wind on the prairie is relentless. It SHOULD be harnessed for energy because it is otherwise worthless. It does NOT make us cooler in the summer, either.
  13. A swimming pool is a good thing. A lot of work, but a good thing.
  14. It is also good if you can drive a truck right into your barn, your workshop or your basement.
  15. The feed store delivers! And stacks!
  16. Horses prefer dried brown grass to fresh green hay.
  17. I have enough pasture to feed a horse that has teeth. This does not include King.
  18. The water in the pond is safe for the horses to drink.
  19. By and large, horses are NOT intent on killing themselves. Six days out of seven they prefer to graze peacefully, groom each other, and socialize with the neighbors over the fence. It's the seventh day that gets you, though! You have to prepare for the seventh day!
  20. You cannot mow a field with a lawn mower.
  21. Stock tank heaters are automatic!
  22. That funny water hydrant inside the barn is called a freeze-proof hydrant and for the most part it is. But when it isn't, a propane torch is a handy accessory.
  23. You must remove the hose AND the quick-connector to maintain the freeze-proof properties.
  24. The cat is a good mouser.
  25. The dog serves no purpose whatsoever. Other than to keep you busy, tear up your stuff, and make you get out of bed in the morning. Okay -- that is "some" purpose.
  26. You can keep more than 150 lbs of feed at a time.
  27. Fence wire goes on the INSIDE of the fence.
  28. Horse fence is woven not welded. Welded wire breaks.
  29. You can install electric fencing with just one ground rod. And that voltage meter does not work as good as your hand -- but it hurts less.
  30. 15 minutes of barn work does not equal a Big Mac & fries!
  31. Horses and dogs are natural enemies.
  32. You cannot have just one horse. Even if he is old and should "know better."
  33. Horses can stay outside overnight. Even old horses. Even when it is raining. (But show barn babies prefer to be IN when it rains.)
  34. Don't open the pool in April.
  35. Close off the skimmer when you vacuum the pool.
  36. It takes more than one day to get a pool ready to swim in the spring. And it takes more than one person to cover a pool in the fall.
  37. Hard surfaces make good floors in a farm house. There is no room for carpet.
  38. Always schedule the next hoof trimming when the farrier is HERE.
  39. Don't take your horses outside your perimeter fencing on the way to turnout.
  40. The stars are brighter over the prairie.
  41. Young men are infinitely stronger than old women.
  42. A phone in the barn is a good thing.
  43. Don't dump the muck cart into the wind.
  44. Satellite services do not offer high speed internet. No matter how much they charge.
  45. There is no such thing as "reliable high speed internet" on the prairie. No matter how much it costs.
  46. You can get tennis elbow from mucking stalls.
  47. Horses can learn to walk themselves into their stalls. This saves a LOT of time -- if you keep the exterior barn doors closed.
  48. Manure adds up. Fast.
  49. You can survive without a truck. But not without a hat.
  50. Winter lasts a long time. It's cold. It's hard. And it is very very boring. Get an indoor hobby.
  51. Horses are a lot of work. Unless you love them, then there is no "work." Just life.
  52. Heat the feed room. Feed with molasses in it will freeze into a solid rock if you don't.
  53. One scoop of Nutrena Senior = 3 lbs.
  54. BOSS = black oil sunflower seeds.
  55. Don't break ice with the bucket heater.
  56. Wear gloves when refilling frozen water buckets. Every. Time.
  57. There is a contraption called a T-post puller. And you need one.
  58. You also need several sizes of wire cutters.
  59. No. It is NOT a good idea to burn off your fields. PERIOD. No matter how many people say it is. Pay someone to run over them with a bush hog. Trust me.
  60. If you see smoke & flames, then that's a fire. Call the fire department. Now. Hook up the 100-ft. hose. Now.
  61. If a fire jumps a fire break and gets onto your property, get the horses into the barn. Now.
  62. You cannot hold down a 1,300-lb horse on a spook. Let go. Now.
  63. You do not have to groom & pick hooves every day.
  64. Severe weather = colic risk.
  65. Fill water buckets at night. Dump in the morning. Unless frozen. Then set the frozen buckets in the heated feed room all day and dump at night. Before refilling.
  66. Put your foot on the brake to start the tractor.
  67. You do not need a refrigerator in the barn. But you could use one in the garage.
  68. Wake up with the sun. Forget the alarm.
  69. Nothing ever "gets better if you ignore it." Nothing.
  70. A single woman can learn to survive on the prairie. She can keep horses, build fence and stack hay. She can muck stalls and drive a tractor. She can unfreeze a frozen hydrant, install a stock tank heater and close the swimming pool. She can strip and rebed horse stalls and she can install a gate. She can haul water and break ice and sit up with a colicky horse. She can pick hooves and pull manes. She can treat wounds and kill flies. She can teach an unruly horse to mind. She can calm a nervous horse. She can earn trust and give love. She can kiss noses and snuggle her face into warm, soft shoulders. She can sleep hard at night and work hard during the day. She can keep them safe. She can walk into a cold dark barn on a cold dark morning and hear sweet soft nickers. She can leave that barn to the tune of contented munching. She can survive. But better than that, she can live.
Submitted by Jamie, Frederick Md.

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How to Install a Redneck Home Security System
  1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16work boots.
  2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
  3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
  4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim. I went to the gun shop for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls --they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell with all the blood. P.S. - I locked all four of them in the house. Better wait outside.
Submitted by Mary Jo.  Emmitsburg, MD

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Things men will do for a cold beer ... Download Video

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Queen of the Blonds

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.

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March 5th Humor Page