Humor Selections for March 5th, 2007

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Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists.

Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network.

Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilization, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, MD.

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Travel Agent Terms
  • Old world charm - Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.
  • Tropical - Rainy.
  • Majestic setting - A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
  • Options galore - Nothing is included in the price.
  • Secluded hideaway - Directions to locate unclear.
  • Some budget rooms - Sorry, already occupied.
  • Explore on your own - At your own expense.
  • Minutes From ??? - By Plane
  • Romantic - No Phone in room
  • Knowledgeable trip hosts - They've flown in an airplane before.
  • No extra fees - No extras available.
  • Bird Watchers Paradise - Your car's paint will never be the same
  • Nominal fee - Outrageous charge.
  • Standard - Sub-standard.
  • Deluxe - Barely Standard.
  • Superior accommodations- One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
  • All the amenities - Two chocolates, two shower caps.
  • Just Like Home - No Maid service.
  • Plush - Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
  • Gentle breezes - In hurricane alley.
  • Light and airy - No air conditioning.
  • Picturesque - Theme park nearby.
  • 24-hour bar - Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Christian One Liners
  • Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
  • Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
  • Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
  • It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
  • The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
  • When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
  • People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
  • Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
  • Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
  • If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
  • God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
  • Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
  • Peace starts with a smile.
  • I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?!
  • A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
  • We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
  • Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
  • Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
  • Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
  • Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church
  • Forbidden fruits create many jams.
  • God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
  • God grades on the cross, not the curve.
  • God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
  • God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage
  • He who angers you, controls you!
  • If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
  • Prayer: Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
  • The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
  • The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
  • We don't change the message, the message changes us.
  • You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to..........discourage him.
  • The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross 3 nails= 4 given.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.

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Military Words of Wisdom ... Take 2
  • "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
  • "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
  • "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps
  • "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
  • "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
  • "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
  • "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
  • "You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
  • "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
  • "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 34

"In the latest count, there are now 25 politicians running for president -- and 15 of them also claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby." -- Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, First Lady Laura Bush said that President Bush always forgets Valentine's Day. The First Lady went on to say that unless a holiday has a bunny or a flying reindeer, forget it." -- Conan O'Brien

"Supreme Court Justice Scalia's daughter was arrested in Illinois for DUI and child endangerment. She says she's gonna fight it all the way to the Supreme Court." -- Jay Leno

"Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced he's running for president. If he wins, he'd be the first Mormon president. Apparently, Romney is planning on winning the soccer mom vote by marrying all of them." -- Conan O'Brien

"The FAA is very close to raising the retirement age of pilots. ... That means pretty soon both astronauts and pilots will be wearing diapers." -- Jay Leno

"We have another presidential candidate. Mitt Romney is running on the Republican ticket. If you're anything like me, you don't know Mitt Romney from Roma Downey. ... I really like his campaign slogan. Have you seen it? 'Mitt Happens'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Al Gore will be speaking at this year's Democratic Convention -- or as we call it, the Oscars." -- Jay Leno

"I really had to hand it to the Academy for sticking it to Al Gore. There's no better way to welcome a radical, left-wing eco-nutjob than with a forest worth of confetti." --Stephen Colbert

Also Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Best Ads for 2006: Refrigerator magnet

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.

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March 2nd Humor Page