Humor Selections for July 25th, 2007

     My Little Sister's Jokes > Recent Addition List

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A man boarded an airplane in BWI Airport, with a box of crabs from the Chesapeake Bay

A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing, she announced to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise your hand?'

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself!

Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.

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The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings ...

...and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Submitted by Eleanor, San Francisco, Calif.

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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was "performing". Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! So, John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 49

"Louisiana Senator David Vitter has admitted he was a client of the DC madam. She made public a list of all her clients' phone numbers. Here's my question: If you're so stupid to go to a prostitute and give her your real name and your Senate office phone number, how did you get elected in the first place?" --Jay Leno

"President Bush held a press conference yesterday to discuss the latest report out of Iraq. He says there's plenty of reason for optimism, although I'm starting to get the feeling he doesn't know what that word means." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It seems that a member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, has just been arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the police officer for $20. Remember the good old days during a campaign, when you only had to kiss babies? It is so competitive now for what you have to do to get elected." --Jay Leno

"The President's approval rating just keeps getting lower and lower. Right now, he's somewhere between former President Richard Nixon and the hunter who shot Bambi. And by tomorrow, he's expected to rank somewhere between John Mark Karr and Chinese toothpaste." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman

"Later this summer the first ever gay presidential debate will be held, where Democratic candidates will answer questions posed by the gay community. Yeah, question number one is very good. Question number one: Why can't health care be more fabulous?" --Conan O'Brien

"According to the current issue of Sports Illustrated, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has become a 'golf nut.' She's pretty good, too. The only sand trap she can't get out of? Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Some sad news I should mention, Lady Bird Johnson passed away at the age of 94. Laura Bush praised her as a pioneer and an icon, while President Bush praised her as a lady and a bird." --Conan O'Brien

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Computer Error Messages
  • The web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
  • Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
  •  Program aborting: close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
  • Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
  • Your file was so big. It might have been very useful. But now it is gone.
  • Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
  • A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
  • Three things are certain: death, taxes and lost data.
  • This page is not here. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky. But we never will.
  • Having been erased, the document you are seeking must now be re-typed.
  • Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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William Wigan ... Art in Miniature - Download Slide Show

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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Photo of Two Topless Strippers - click here to open (do not open in the presence of children)

Also submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.

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July 20th Humor Page