Humor Selections for July 20th, 2007

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A firm put a sign in the window saying "Help Wanted" ...

...You must be a good typist and have good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least, to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be a able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page with his mouth a nd trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills." The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs. He produced a sample Excel spreadsheet, a sample Power Point presentation, retouched a picture with Photo Shop, and then printed all of them for the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded. He said to the dog, "Listen, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog! There's no way I can hire you!"

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye............................ and said, ' ' ' ' ' '

"Meow ."

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.

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The Most Important Discoveries
  • Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
    Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
  • Man discovered colors, invented painting.
    Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
  • Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
    Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
  • Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
    Woman discovered food, invented diet.
  • Man discovered friendship, invented love.
    Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
  • Man discovered trade, invented money.
    Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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More Thoughts On Aging
  • The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
  • You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
  • You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
  • The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
  • Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
  • It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
  • You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
  • Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
  • When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
  • You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
Also submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the Beep. If I do not return your call, You are one of the changes."

And some interesting one liners ...

  • My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine.
  • Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
  • Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting.
  • The irony of life is that, by the time You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere.
  • God made man before woman so as to give him time to think Of an answer for her first question.
  • I was always taught to respect my elders, But it keeps getting harder to find one.

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If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
  • If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
  • To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
  • If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
  • Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
  • To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
  • To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
  • If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
  • When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
  • We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
  • To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
  • Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
  • To undo a mistake, click on "back".
  • If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Those pesky overhead bins on an airplane ... Download Video

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.

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Cute Cartoons ...






Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.

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July 16th Humor Page