Humor Selections for May 12th, 2006

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You Know You've Been out of College Too Long When...
  • Your potted plants stay alive.
  • 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
  • You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
  • You carry an umbrella.
  • You watch the Weather Channel.
  • Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
  • You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
  • Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
  • You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
  • You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
  • Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  • You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
  • Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
  • You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
  • Dinner and a movie: The *whole* date instead of the beginning of one.
  • MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
  • You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
  • Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
  • Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.

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"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked ...

... "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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One day, God created the dog and said ...

... "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" God agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. The last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK

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Football - got to be the same the world over.

It doesn't matter what its called, the fans - the barrackers - are as one-eyed and partisan to their team, whether it's played in Iceland or Idaho, Melbourne or Montana.

A country game was once being played with more vigour than skill, and the umpiring was not up to the task of keeping order. After the game everyone returned to the pub for some needed repairs and refreshment. An old guy from the city was sitting on a stool in the bar drinking, and when one of the hard-bitten spectators sat down on the stool next to him, he asked, "How was the footy?"

"She's flourishin', mate, just flourishin'. Cripes, we had a great game today. There was blood, skin, hair and tobacco juice flyin' right from the word go! Plenty of broken ribs, arms, collarbones, even two busted legs. Gawd knows how many smashed in teeth, bloodied noses and black eyes!"

He paused to empty his glass, then said reflectively, "They tell me a couple of the players got hurt too."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia

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The first male engineer ...  Download video

Submitted by Engineer Tim, Columbus, Ohio

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Gas prices take 6


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