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A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification?"

He replied, without hesitation "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don?' buy peat moss." answered the clerk.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel.

Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy sez, "Yeah," and hops in. The driver asks "What about your camel?"

The guy replies, "Oh, he's okay... he knows his way to town."

So the driver start's driving, gets up to about 45 MPH, looks in his rearview mirror and sees the camel right behind him. He sez to the guy, "Hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us?

The guy replies, "Yeah it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

The driver speeds up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. He sez to the guy, "Your camel is still there."

The guy replies, "Really it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

So the driver speeds up to 65 MPH. He drives for a bit, look's behind him, then looks at the guy and says, "Hey buddy your camel, he's looking pretty rough."

The guy replies, "Oh yeah? What's he doing?"

The driver sez, "Well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out."

The guy replies, "His tongue is hanging out? Which side?"

The driver sez, "The left side."

The guy replies, "You'd better hold your course... he's fixin to pass ya!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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This is a quiz for people who know everything! 

These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

  1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
  2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
  3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
  4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
  5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
  6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
  7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
  8. Name t he only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
  9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Answers To Quiz:

  1. Boxing
  2. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
  3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
  4. Strawberry.
  5. It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season . When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
  6. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
  7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
  8. Lettuce..
  9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

Submitted by Kathy, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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E-mail Commandments
  • Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
  • Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
  • Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
  • Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
  • Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
  • Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
  • Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
  • Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
  • Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
  • When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
  • That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A burglar decided to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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You Know You're Addicted to Coffee When...
  • You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast...

... around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.
 

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An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Proofreading is a dying art, would you say?
  • Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
  • Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  • Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  • Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  • War Dims Hope for Peace I can see where it might have that effect!
  • Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  • Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  • Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
  • Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
  • New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  • Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  • Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  • Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  • Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The farmer's son was returning from the market...

... with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly. "But I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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How about a math problem? 

It is said that engineers take 3 minutes to resolve this, architects 3 hours and doctors 6 hours. If you guess the 6th number, you can open the excel file by using the number as the password. Once you discover it, open the attached and enter that number. Put your name in, save it and send it on. 

What is the 6th number? 1, 2, 6, 42, 1806, ________?

Got it?  Click here to download and open the spreadsheet

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town...

..., suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!

The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

"Maíam," the officer began. "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer," the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! Thatís the problem. Didnít you see the sign?"

"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "Thatís why Iím driving so fast. Iím just trying to follow itís instruction."

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

"Just what sign are you talking about, Maíam?" he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist

and said, "Why, the one that said ĎSpeed Zone Aheadí, of course!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."

Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Claudette Ramsey ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the scruffiest, mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Geological engineers recently surveyed some property in New England...

... and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but now in New Hampshire.

After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.

Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he make me answer the phone as well."

Submitted by Larry, Frederick, Md.
 

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In the traffic court a young lady was brought before the judge...

... to answer for a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A man received a bill for his, as yet unused credit card, stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In February, he received another and threw that one away, too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00.

He called them and was told that it was a computer error, and that they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card, figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store when he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again, and was told that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game by mailing them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00, and unless he sent a check they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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The Judge asked the defendant...

... "Mr. Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time.

He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.'

Young man, we're both 90 years old, we may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.


John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. Of course, John,'his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'


A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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