• Humour makes the mind go round.
• A joke a day keeps the therapist at bay.
• Laughing with your enemy makes for peace.
• Laughing at your enemy makes for war.
• Start off each day with a laugh.
• The devil doesn’t do humour.
• You can always teach an old dog a new joke.
• Humour makes time happy.
• Never laugh at another’s misfortunes. They may return the disfavour.
• A false laugh betrays a false soul.
• Lovers love a laugh.
• The big picture is best framed by good humour.
• Beware the person who does not smile. They would have you as unhappy as themselves.
• Believing you are superior means you do not know what makes the other person laugh.
• There’s many a laugh twixt the lip and the quip.
• Everyone is 99.9% identical. Laugh gloriously about that instead of killing over the 0.1%

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of a U.S. Navy Chief begins to make his way up the aisle. Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand,

the white haired, courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his collar, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Chief slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, Chief", she asks quietly, "could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Chief smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my anchors, service stripes, and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to throw one passenger out of the plane."

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

• Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.
• Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)
• Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)
• Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
• Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
• General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.
• Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

"My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

"So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

"But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

I had decided to position his somewhat fragile display skeleton strapped into the back seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat...

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became quite obvious. I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to a doctor's office."

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

• Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
• Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
• Dry cleaners, Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for the best results.
• In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
• On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
• On a poster at Kencom: Are you an adult who cannot read? If so we can help.
• In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
• In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
• Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
• On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
• Hotel, Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
• Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: you are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
• A sign posted in Germany's black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
• Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
• Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
• Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
• A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.

After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

• You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
• The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
• The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
• There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
• You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
• There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
• You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
• Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
• A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
• There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
• You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
• The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
• A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).
• You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
• The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
• You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
• People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
• Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
• You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
• You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
• You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
• You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

The guy replies, "Oh, he's okay... he knows his way to town."

So the driver start's driving, gets up to about 45 MPH, looks in his rearview mirror and sees the camel right behind him. He sez to the guy, "Hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us?

The guy replies, "Yeah it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

The driver speeds up to about 55 MPH, he's driving along, and look's behind him and again see's the camel. He sez to the guy, "Your camel is still there."

The guy replies, "Really it's okay, he knows his way to town. Speed up a little."

So the driver speeds up to 65 MPH. He drives for a bit, look's behind him, then looks at the guy and says, "Hey buddy your camel, he's looking pretty rough."

The guy replies, "Oh yeah? What's he doing?"

The driver sez, "Well, his ear's are folded back and his tongue is hanging out."

The guy replies, "His tongue is hanging out? Which side?"

The driver sez, "The left side."

The guy replies, "You'd better hold your course... he's fixin to pass ya!"

These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name t he only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

Answers To Quiz:

1. Boxing
2. Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. Strawberry.
5. It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season . When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. Lettuce..
9. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

• Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
• Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
• Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
• Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
• Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
• Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
• Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
• Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
• Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
• When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
• That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading: "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning: "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly. "But I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

It is said that engineers take 3 minutes to resolve this, architects 3 hours and doctors 6 hours. If you guess the 6th number, you can open the excel file by using the number as the password. Once you discover it, open the attached and enter that number. Put your name in, save it and send it on. 

What is the 6th number? 1, 2, 6, 42, 1806, ________?

Got it?  Click here to download and open the spreadsheet

The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

"Ma’am," the officer began. "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer," the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That’s the problem. Didn’t you see the sign?"

"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "That’s why I’m driving so fast. I’m just trying to follow it’s instruction."

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

"Just what sign are you talking about, Ma’am?" he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist

and said, "Why, the one that said ‘Speed Zone Ahead’, of course!"

Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Claudette Ramsey ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the scruffiest, mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes. "You're a schoolteacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.'

Young man, we're both 90 years old, we may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,' he said. Of course, John,'his wife said softly. 'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.' 'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said. With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?' The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, 'Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?' The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison.'

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

• Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage in the preparation of pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm to the bite. Pasta that has been boiled too long is described, according to the degree to which it has been overcooked, as al gummo, al musho, at botcho, and al garbaggio.
• Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which spirits are present, hunks of meat are sacrificed by being burnt on braziers by sauce- smeared men wearing odd hats and aprons with cabalistic slogans, and human flesh is offered to insects.
• Basting: Process through which cooking juices in a roasting pan are carefully transferred -- with a basting siphon, ladle or spoon -- to the oven rack, the bottom of the oven, the inside of the oven door, the floor, the stove top, and the counter.
• Chef: Any cook who swears in French.
• Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in such a fashion that the cook must turn the page just after the point where a thick paste of flour, water, and lard is mixed by hand.
• Diet: The specific types and quantities of food that any given individual will start eating tomorrow, next week, or after the beginning of the new year.
• Food: Any plant or animal substance that provides nourishment. There are basically four broad categories of food: carbohydrates, fats, proteins, and individually wrapped chocolates with cherry centers.
• Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a kitchen task in one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.
• Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.
• Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving the best part.
• Health Food: Any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that of the package in which it is sold.
• Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or bottle with a label containing lies in a foreign language.
• Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections served at breakfast with toast, muffins or other baked goods. Oddly enough, jams and jellies are considered diet foods, since the calories expended in opening the jars and packets in which they are sold greatly exceeds the number consumed in the course of eating their contents.
• Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing items that should have been put somewhere else.
• Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot of leek soup.
• Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish whose recipe you just looked up after deciding to serve it this evening should have been soaking in since at least last night.
• Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls them noodles anymore. Wash your mouth out with kir and see PASTA.
• Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.
• Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom.
• Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
• Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).
• Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la Mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.
• Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a particular dish is overcooked.
• Utensil: A spill, cut burn, or bungle with a handle on the end.
• Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that consists of too much oil added a bit too quickly to a mixture containing partially ground peppercorns from a malfunctioning mill, an excess of salt, all the juice that could be gotten out of an old lemon half, and dry mustard that fell out of the can in a big lump.
• Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices used by sedentary cooks to develop muscles and improve body tone. Other items of workout equipment found in kitchens include the egg beater (strengthens pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and the salad spinner (firms up deltoids).
• Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
• Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large volume in California and available by the liter or gallon in both premium and unleaded varieties. The best recent vintage is the 11:35 a.m., though some people swear by the 9:58.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

The answers are attached so no peeking.

Example - 24 H in a D = 24 Hours in a Day

1. 26 L of the A
2. 7 D of the W
3. 7 W of the W
4. 12 S of the Z
5. 66 B of the B
6. 54 C in a P (W J)
7. 13 S in the U S F
8. 18 H on a G C
9. 39 B of the O T
10. 5 T on a F
11. 90 D in a R A
12. 3 B M (S H T R)
13. 32 is the T in D F at which W F
14. 15 P in a R T
15. 3 W on a T
16. 100 P in a P
17. 11 P in a F (S) T
18. 12 M in a Y
19. 13 is U F S
20. 8 T on an O
21. 29 D in F in a L Y
22. 27 B in the N T
23. 365 D in a Y
24. 13 L in a B D
25. 52 W in a Y
26. 9 L of a C
27. 60 M in an H
28. 23 P of C in the H B
29. 64 S on a C B
30. 9 P in S A
31. 6 B to an O in C
32. 1000 Y in a M
33. 15 M on a D M C
34. 9 P in the SS
35. 88 PK
36. 200 P for PG in M
37. 4 Q in a G
38. 1 W on a U
39. 57 HV
40. 40 D and N of the GF

Click here for the answers

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"

• Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
• Don't cry over spilled milk.
• When chewing your cud, remember, there is no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste!
• The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
• Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
• Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!
• It's better to be seen and not herd.
• Honour thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
• Never take any bull from anybody.
• Always let them know who's bossy!
• Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.
• Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
• Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day

• You grind Your coffee beans in Your mouth.
• You sleep with Your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time You're standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of Yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You've worn out Your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
• Your eyes stay open when You sneeze.
• You chew on other people's fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take Your pulse.
• You're so jittery that people use Your hands to blend their margaritas.
• You can type sixty words per minute with Your feet.
• You can jump-start Your car without cables.
• You don't sweat, You percolate.
• You run twenty miles on Your treadmill before You realize it's not plugged in.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
• People get dizzy just watching You.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You have a picture of Your coffee mug on Your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You help Your dog chase its tail.
• You soak Your dentures in coffee overnight.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when You're parked.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.  Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here - hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset.  We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.  'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Stevie.

,,, and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"

... he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won $500, in an Arrive Alive safety competition. The driver could hardly believe his luck.

"What are you going to do with your cash?" asked the cop

"Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," answered the driver.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled his friend in the passenger seat. "He tries to be smart when he's drunk."

This woke up Rodger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

• The news doesn’t start until the third page. Ads come first.
• The editorial page is printed in Sanskrit.
• The cooking editor tries to do recipes of McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
• Some wise guy in the HR department fired all of the sportswriters. The football game was covered by the women’s editor in a nice frilly skirt with sequins and tassles.
• The theater critic couldn’t find her seat and then got locked in the bathroom for the second act. She found it the next day still attached to the chair.
• Some wise guy set all of the type of the Sunday edition backwards. Inventive news hawks sold mirrors with every copy.
• The dates for the horoscopes were switched. One thousand Aquarians in January tried to have fun in the city swimming pool.
• Somebody misnumbered the pages and page thirteen was missing which had the lottery results. The switchboard was jammed for six hours. Nobody won that day.
• Somebody spelled the President’s name, Barrack O’Bama in honor of St. Patrick’s day.
• The food chef column printed the recipe incorrectly printing "hamster" instead of "ham steak". Hospitals across the city were jammed with sick dining readers for two days.

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the Government's scheme to employ needy Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment!

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower!

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."