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Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Chef's Dictionary
  • Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage in the preparation of pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm to the bite. Pasta that has been boiled too long is described, according to the degree to which it has been overcooked, as al gummo, al musho, at botcho, and al garbaggio.
  • Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which spirits are present, hunks of meat are sacrificed by being burnt on braziers by sauce- smeared men wearing odd hats and aprons with cabalistic slogans, and human flesh is offered to insects.
  • Basting: Process through which cooking juices in a roasting pan are carefully transferred -- with a basting siphon, ladle or spoon -- to the oven rack, the bottom of the oven, the inside of the oven door, the floor, the stove top, and the counter.
  • Chef: Any cook who swears in French.
  • Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in such a fashion that the cook must turn the page just after the point where a thick paste of flour, water, and lard is mixed by hand.
  • Diet: The specific types and quantities of food that any given individual will start eating tomorrow, next week, or after the beginning of the new year.
  • Food: Any plant or animal substance that provides nourishment. There are basically four broad categories of food: carbohydrates, fats, proteins, and individually wrapped chocolates with cherry centers.
  • Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a kitchen task in one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.
  • Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.
  • Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving the best part.
  • Health Food: Any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that of the package in which it is sold.
  • Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or bottle with a label containing lies in a foreign language.
  • Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections served at breakfast with toast, muffins or other baked goods. Oddly enough, jams and jellies are considered diet foods, since the calories expended in opening the jars and packets in which they are sold greatly exceeds the number consumed in the course of eating their contents.
  • Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing items that should have been put somewhere else.
  • Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot of leek soup.
  • Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish whose recipe you just looked up after deciding to serve it this evening should have been soaking in since at least last night.
  • Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls them noodles anymore. Wash your mouth out with kir and see PASTA.
  • Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.
  • Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom.
  • Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.
  • Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).
  • Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la Mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.
  • Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a particular dish is overcooked.
  • Utensil: A spill, cut burn, or bungle with a handle on the end.
  • Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that consists of too much oil added a bit too quickly to a mixture containing partially ground peppercorns from a malfunctioning mill, an excess of salt, all the juice that could be gotten out of an old lemon half, and dry mustard that fell out of the can in a big lump.
  • Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices used by sedentary cooks to develop muscles and improve body tone. Other items of workout equipment found in kitchens include the egg beater (strengthens pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and the salad spinner (firms up deltoids).
  • Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
  • Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large volume in California and available by the liter or gallon in both premium and unleaded varieties. The best recent vintage is the 11:35 a.m., though some people swear by the 9:58.

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.

Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD.

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Intelligence Test

You have to work out what the letters mean.  It doesn't matter if you write the answers in uppercase or lowercase, but the answers must be exactly as expected (no additional intervals or dashes and the spelling must be correct).  There is no time limit for this test.

The answers are attached so no peeking.

Example - 24 H in a D = 24 Hours in a Day

  1. 26 L of the A
  2. 7 D of the W
  3. 7 W of the W
  4. 12 S of the Z
  5. 66 B of the B
  6. 54 C in a P (W J)
  7. 13 S in the U S F
  8. 18 H on a G C
  9. 39 B of the O T
  10. 5 T on a F
  11. 90 D in a R A
  12. 3 B M (S H T R)
  13. 32 is the T in D F at which W F
  14. 15 P in a R T
  15. 3 W on a T
  16. 100 P in a P
  17. 11 P in a F (S) T
  18. 12 M in a Y
  19. 13 is U F S
  20. 8 T on an O
  21. 29 D in F in a L Y
  22. 27 B in the N T
  23. 365 D in a Y
  24. 13 L in a B D
  25. 52 W in a Y
  26. 9 L of a C
  27. 60 M in an H
  28. 23 P of C in the H B
  29. 64 S on a C B
  30. 9 P in S A
  31. 6 B to an O in C
  32. 1000 Y in a M
  33. 15 M on a D M C
  34. 9 P in the SS
  35. 88 PK
  36. 200 P for PG in M
  37. 4 Q in a G
  38. 1 W on a U
  39. 57 HV
  40. 40 D and N of the GF

Click here for the answers

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, PA.

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A man is lost in the Sahara desert.

He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow.

  • Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
  • Don't cry over spilled milk.
  • When chewing your cud, remember, there is no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste!
  • The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
  • Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
  • Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!
  • It's better to be seen and not herd.
  • Honour thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
  • Never take any bull from anybody.
  • Always let them know who's bossy!
  • Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.
  • Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
  • Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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You Know You Are Addicted To Coffee If ....
  • You grind Your coffee beans in Your mouth.
  • You sleep with Your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time You're standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of Yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  • You've worn out Your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
  • Your eyes stay open when You sneeze.
  • You chew on other people's fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take Your pulse.
  • You're so jittery that people use Your hands to blend their margaritas.
  • You can type sixty words per minute with Your feet.
  • You can jump-start Your car without cables.
  • You don't sweat, You percolate.
  • You run twenty miles on Your treadmill before You realize it's not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching You.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You have a picture of Your coffee mug on Your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You help Your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak Your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when You're parked.
  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Submitted by Mary Jo, Emmitsburg, Md.

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A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa...

... and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn.

It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy.  Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here - hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset.  We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.  'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Stevie.

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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Bubba walked into a doctor's office...

,,, and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, Md.

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This is an old British (1930/40ish) limerick...

... but I am unsure how the comedy will translate itself into the American sense of humour. I originates in the North of England and always funny (to the Brits) when recited in it’s original dialect.

The Lion & Albert

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was their Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
'E'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the ocean
The waves, they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks... nobody drownded
'Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.

So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went into the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and cam-els
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a som-no-lent posture
With the side of his face to the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they were ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well... it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took 'is stick with the'orse's 'ead 'andle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear!

You could see that the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad... whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Eeh, I am vexed!"

So Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said, "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure that it's your lad he's eaten?"
Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

So the manager had to be sent for
He came and he said, "What's to do?"
Pa said, "Yon lion's 'eaten our Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in!"

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
And said, "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said, "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that were decided upon.

Round they went to the Police Station
In front of a Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his o-pinion
That no-one was really to blame
He said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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A prominent University of Wisconsin, Madison, professor...

.... once had a speaking engagement in Milwaukee.  Since it was a short drive and the weather was nice he drove over for the day.

On completion of his talk he took a cab to the Badger Bus depot and took a bus back home, an appropriate routine for an absent-minded professor.

Upon arrival at his home, his long-suffering wife asked where the car was.

The light dawned at that moment.

He called another cab to take him back to the bus and, ultimately, Milwaukee and his stranded car. 

Upon arrival at the bus station he promptly bought a round trip ticket.  (Think about it)

Submitted by current Emmitsburg Mayor Jim!

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One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized...

... as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A rich American tourist was holidaying overseas, and was intent on seeing the Pope.

There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"

Submitted by Sr. Wink, Yonkers, NY.

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A policeman pulled over a car over and told the driver him that because...

... he had been wearing his seat belt he had just won $500, in an Arrive Alive safety competition. The driver could hardly believe his luck.

"What are you going to do with your cash?" asked the cop

"Well I guess I'm going to get a drivers license," answered the driver.

"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled his friend in the passenger seat. "He tries to be smart when he's drunk."

This woke up Rodger in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!

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How To Tell That Your Daily Newspaper Is In Trouble
  • The news doesn’t start until the third page. Ads come first.
  • The editorial page is printed in Sanskrit.
  • The cooking editor tries to do recipes of McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
  • Some wise guy in the HR department fired all of the sportswriters. The football game was covered by the women’s editor in a nice frilly skirt with sequins and tassles.
  • The theater critic couldn’t find her seat and then got locked in the bathroom for the second act. She found it the next day still attached to the chair.
  • Some wise guy set all of the type of the Sunday edition backwards. Inventive news hawks sold mirrors with every copy.
  • The dates for the horoscopes were switched. One thousand Aquarians in January tried to have fun in the city swimming pool.
  • Somebody misnumbered the pages and page thirteen was missing which had the lottery results. The switchboard was jammed for six hours. Nobody won that day.
  • Somebody spelled the President’s name, Barrack O’Bama in honor of St. Patrick’s day.
  • The food chef column printed the recipe incorrectly printing "hamster" instead of "ham steak". Hospitals across the city were jammed with sick dining readers for two days.

Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.

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Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew...

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the Government's scheme to employ needy Harlem youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment!

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Budweiser, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower!

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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