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A true story out of San Francisco...

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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In Praise of Humour
  • Humour makes the mind go round.
  • A joke a day keeps the therapist at bay.
  • Laughing with your enemy makes for peace.
  • Laughing at your enemy makes for war.
  • Start off each day with a laugh.
  • The devil doesnít do humour.
  • You can always teach an old dog a new joke.
  • Humour makes time happy.
  • Never laugh at anotherís misfortunes. They may return the disfavour.
  • A false laugh betrays a false soul.
  • Lovers love a laugh.
  • The big picture is best framed by good humour.
  • Beware the person who does not smile. They would have you as unhappy as themselves.
  • Believing you are superior means you do not know what makes the other person laugh.
  • Thereís many a laugh twixt the lip and the quip.
  • Everyone is 99.9% identical. Laugh gloriously about that instead of killing over the 0.1%

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
 

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As a crowded airliner is about to takeoff, the peace is suddenly shattered...

... by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.

No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of a U.S. Navy Chief begins to make his way up the aisle. Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand,

the white haired, courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his collar, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the Chief slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, Chief", she asks quietly, "could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Chief smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my anchors, service stripes, and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to throw one passenger out of the plane."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked...,

..."I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California...

..., I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization.

At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef.

The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported.
"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
 

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Housecleaning Hints
  • Windows: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.
  • Cobwebs: Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)
  • Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)
  • Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
  • Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."
  • General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean... Works every time.
  • Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck: Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

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A conductor was having a lot of trouble with a drummer.

He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he took a critical jab at the drummer,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer -- which must be why you play the drums."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section,

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.

This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.

Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.

He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port Left
Starboard Right

Submitted by Captain Dan, Charlestown, SC.
 

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There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890s...

... whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.

But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice.

The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Md.
 

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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner Mom & Pop grocery...

.... picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

Submitted by Vicki, Downingtown, Pa.
 

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As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers.

After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.

"I had him arrested," I replied.

My friend paused for a second and asked, "Wow...How badly did he play?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Several racehorses are in a stable.

One on them starts boasting about his track record. "Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."

Another horse breaks in, " Well I've won 19 of my last 27!"

"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36, " says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, a greyhound who's been sitting nearby listening says, "I don't mean to boast, but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."

The horses are clearly amazed. "WOW," says one horse after a prolonged silence, "a talking dog!"

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient...

..., "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

"My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

"So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

"But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant...

... he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves...

..., bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

Submitted by Captain Dan, Savanna, Ga.
 

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"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman...

... after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist.

"Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
 

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I was helping a buddy of mine, who was an orthopedic surgeon...

..., move to his new office, and using my car to help transport some of his office equipment.

I had decided to position his somewhat fragile display skeleton strapped into the back seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat...

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became quite obvious. I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to a doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. and commented, "I hate to tell you, but I looks like you may be a bit too late!"
 

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The home-owner was delighted with the way the painter...

... had done all the work on his house.

"You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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In Washington State, a little north of Seattle, is a river called the Stillaguamish..

..., but it wasn't always called that. It was originally named "Aguamish" after a local Indian tribe.

When Lewis & Clark finally made their way to the west coast they came to the Aguamish tribe and met the chief who told them what the name of the river was and gave them a tour of the area.

Years later Merriweather Lewis returned and met the Aguamish chief again and the subject finally came around to the river:

"Chief, I've been told that, because of so many white men have arrived in the area, many of the rivers are being renamed because they couldn't pronounce the names. Tell me, what is the name of your river now, please, " Lewis pleaded.

"Oh," replied the chief. "It's Stillaguamish."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee...

... were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach.

As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
 

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A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. The biker, while in severe pain, asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
 

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Some wonderful English signs from around the world

  • Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
  • Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.
  • Dry cleaners, Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for the best results.
  • In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
  • On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
  • On a poster at Kencom: Are you an adult who cannot read? If so we can help.
  • In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
  • In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
  • Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.
  • On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
  • Hotel, Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
  • Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
  • In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox monastery: you are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
  • A sign posted in Germany's black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose.
  • Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
  • Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
  • Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
  • A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England!
 

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The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife...

... with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.

"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"

"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"

"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone Ian at my bank.

The operator asked me what Ian's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his surname. When she asked for his department, I said I didn't know.

"There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather curtly.

After a few more brusque comments, I asked her for her name.

"Danielle," she said.

"And your last name?" I asked.

"Sorry," she replied, "we don't give out last names."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad
  • You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
  • The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
  • The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
  • There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
  • You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
  • There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
  • You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
  • Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
  • A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
  • There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
  • You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
  • The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
  • A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).
  • You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
  • The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
  • You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
  • People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
  • Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
  • You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
  • You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
  • You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
  • You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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