Humor Selections for Sept 25th, 2013

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Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me
  • It's more fun to color outside the lines.
  • If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.
  • Ask why until you understand.
  • Hang on tight.
  • Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
  • Make up the rules as you go along.
  • It doesn't matter who started it.
  • Ask for sprinkles.
  • If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.
  • Save a place in line for your friends.
  • Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.
  • If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.
  • Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
  • Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
  • Making your bed is a waste of time.
  • There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
  • Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
  • If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.
  • Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.
  • Don't pop someone else's bubble.
  • You work so hard peddling up the hill
  • that you hate to brake on the way down.
  • If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.
  • You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.
  • Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
  • Make your mother proud of you.

Submitted by Alice, Waynesboro, Pa.

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How to blow a job interview
  • See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
  • Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
  • Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
  • After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
  • Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
  • Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.
  • Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
  • Ask if it's okay that you sit on the floor.
  • Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
  • Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
  • Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
  • Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview.
  • Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
  • When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'
  • Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you?'
  • Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.

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Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out
  • You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.
  • You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.
  • Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."
  • After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.
  • "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."
  • Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.
  • Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.
  • You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her whoopee.
  • You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.
  • He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.
  • Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast! has become cold and distant.
  • She's suddenly changed her address to
  • Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious ""
  • In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Late Night humor
  • It looks like the federal government could be shutting down. The legal definition of a government shutdown is when Congress continues not to work, but they do it from home. - Jay Leno
  • Kevin Trudeau, the king of infomercials, has been sent to jail for fraud. The judge sentenced him to 10 years. But then he said, "Wait, there's more," and added another five years. - Conan O'Brien
  • A plane had to make an emergency landing in France because a dozen Scottish passengers wouldn't stop dancing. The police have released a statement saying that alcohol may have been a factor. Now, I am Scottish. I KNOW alcohol was a factor. There is no "may" about this. - Craig Ferguson
  • The creator of Beanie Babies has been fined $53 million for tax evasion. But, on the plus side, if he sells all of his Beanie Babies, he'll owe . . . probably about $53 million. - Jimmy Fallon
  • Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence. - Jon Stewart
  • According to the new U.N. world happiness report, the United States is the 17th happiest country in the world. The report says the happiest country is Denmark, followed by Norway, Switzerland, Netherlands, and Sweden. Way to go, super white people, I guess. Youíd be happy too if everyone you knew looked like Thor and Famke Janssen. - Jimmy Kimmel
  • The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. Heís like, ĎIím going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Letís see what Putin saysí. - Craig Ferguson
  • Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesnít avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A? - Jimmy Fallon
  • For the first time an Indian-American has won Miss America. A 24-year-old named Nina Davuluri won by answering a question no one else could possible answer: "What is the name of last year's Miss America?" - Jay Leno
  • Vladimir Putin wrote that America should not view itself as exceptional. I disagree. Hey, Russia, we invented jazz and the elevators it plays in. We're the geographic sweet spot between frostbite and beheadings. Our roulette is way better than your roulette. And when you rearrange the letters in "Russia" ó you get "USA, Sir!" - Conan O'Brien
  • We have a new Miss America. Nina Davuluri is the first Miss America of Indian-American heritage. A lot of people say having an Indian-American as Miss America is a sign of progress. I think it is. We should pat ourselves on the back for objectifying women without regard to ethnicity. - Craig Ferguson
  • Russia apparently has asked Cher to perform at next year's Winter Olympics. Because if there's one thing that'll keep gay people out of your country, it's holding a free Cher concert. Actually, Cher says she turned down Russia's invitation to perform because of the government's anti-gay laws. Russia said itís no big deal. They'll just move on to their second choice: Liza Minnelli. - Jimmy Fallon
  • Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. Itís called "Lame Duck Dynasty." - Jay Leno
  • Today Pope Francis said that if you are an atheist, God will forgive you. And with that, 2,000 years of Christianity came to an end, ladies and gentlemen. - Conan O'Brien
  • Chris Humphreys has gotten the engagement ring back from Kim Kardashian and he's selling it at auction for $2 million. That's an impressive ring. So if guys want to get engaged, try to get that ring. It's the perfect way to tell your fiancee, "I want to spend the next 72 days with you." - David Letterman
  • Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times. If you haven't seen The New York Times piece, Putin said America should stay out of Syria. And then Putin said Khloe should dump Lamar because it's for his own good. - Craig Ferguson
  • I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch. - Jay Leno
  • It's Friday the 13th. It is always considered unlucky. It got scarier when those "Friday the 13th" movies came out. That hockey mask Jason wears is terrifying. How did they come up with that? Who'd make a link between hockey and violence? - Craig Ferguson
  • Dr. Phil is on the program tonight. You've got to hand it to Dr. Phil, he is a smart guy. He turned a phony medical degree into a media empire. In the last 20 years the ambient temperature of the planet earth has increased two degrees. That's two more degrees than Dr. Phil has. - David Letterman
  • The new season of "Survivor" premieres next week. It has a great twist. It has returning contestants competing for a million dollars against their own family members. So if youíre wondering what it takes for people to be willing to be stranded on an island with their families, the answer is a million dollars. - Jimmy Fallon 

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The Laws Of Golfing
  • No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
  • Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
  • Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
  • Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
  • No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
  • The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
  • Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
  • Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
  • Palm trees eat golf balls.
  • Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
  • Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
  • A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
  • All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
  • Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
  • A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
  • "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
  • The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
  • The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
  • Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
  • All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

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Amazing Talent - New York City Spray Paint Art - Download Video

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, MD

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Future Darwin Award Winners

Darwin Contender: Is This Thing Working?
That's not how you check to see if it's loaded.

Darwin Contender: Grilling
Too cold outside? Fire it up inside

Darwin Contender: Hey Look
Driving pretty fast there...and taking photos at the same time.

Darwin Contender: Buzz Buzz
Keep trying, you'll know when it works.

Darwin Contender: Close Up
Watch that trigger finger

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July 12th Humor Page