Humor Selections for May 23rd, 2011

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The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, "This tastes like MUD!" Then I replied, "It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest...

... and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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As a resident physician in radiology..

... I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest.

While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures involving various body parts, but he couldn't remember one particular test.

Thinking out loud, he said, "What is that thing women have that men don't?"

His wife was quick to answer, "A brain, dear."

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You Might Be a Yankee If
  • You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
  • You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun*and*knife show.
  • You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
  • You don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
  • The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on*ramp on the highway.
  • You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
  • The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
  • You call binoculars opera glasses.
  • You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
  • You would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
  • You don't know what appliqued is.
  • Most of your formative high school experiences took place within the context of a football game.
  • You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
  • You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
  • You've never been to a craft show.
  • You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
  • You can't do your laundry without quarters.
  • None of your fur coats are homemade.
  • You have no idea what a polecat is.
  • Whenever someone tells an off*color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
  • You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
  • You don't have bangs.
  • You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
  • More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
  • You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
  • Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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