Humor Selections for May 20th, 2011

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Total useless facts to impress friends with ...
  • If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.
  • To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers
  • Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
  • Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.
  • The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was the fashion to shave them off!
  • Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.
  • The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve", which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.
  • It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
  • Gold is the only metal that doesn't corrode, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years
  • Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end
  • If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
  • Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals
  • Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
  • The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
  • Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61%
  • Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F
  • The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
  • Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean
  • The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man
  • Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density
  • The University of Alaska spans four time zones
  • The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
  • In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
  • Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song "Happy Birthday".
  • Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  • A comet's tail always points away from the sun
  • Caffeine potentiates aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
  • The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in Armour raised their visors to reveal their identity.
  • If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
  • When a person is dying, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight
  • In ancient times, strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed
  • Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams
  • The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year
  • The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust
  • Due to earth's gravity, it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters
  • Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy
  • Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down
  • Everything weighs one percent less at the equator
  • For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off
  • The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
Submitted by Cathy, Storington, England

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Pilots' Wisdom
  • If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
  • Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
  • It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
  • The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
  • The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  • When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  • A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
  • Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
  • You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  • The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.
  • Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
  • Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
  • Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
  • There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
  • You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
  • Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
  • If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
  • In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
  • Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  • It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  • Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  • Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
  • The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
  • There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
  • When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
  • What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
  • Never trade luck for skill.
  • Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
  • Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
  • Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
  • When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
  • There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. - -- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
  • If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
  • You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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The minister drove into a sand trap.

He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn't say a word. Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn't say a word.

He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.

Finally he muttered, "I'm going have to give it up."

"Golf?" asked the caddie.

"No" he replied. "The ministry."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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More Oneliners...
  • The school should pay me to skip class. Call it a "tuition refund", if you will.
  • A Pessimist is what an Optimist calls a Realist.
  • I was wondering where my boomerang had landed - and then it came to me.
  • There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
  • Scars: Tattoos with better stories.
  • Loved are the ones who are told of their faults in private.
  • A:\ B:\ C:\ - Alphabet of a new generation.
  • Look after your wife; never mind yourself--she'll look after you.
  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • Say nothing . . . often.
  • Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
  • All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
  • Everything is always okay in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.
  • You non-conformists are all alike.
  • Sign on a synagogue: Under same management for 5,765 years.
  • The extra mile isn't half as long as all those other miles.
  • A genius is someone who is screwed up in a useful way.
  • Life is really like a shower. One wrong turn and you're in hot water.
  • When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

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Now this is what I call a snake...

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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May 18th Humor Page