Humor Selections for March 21st, 2011

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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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When Insults had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was boiled down to 4-letter words

  • The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison." He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
  • A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
  • "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
  • "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
  • "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
  • "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
  • "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
  • "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
  • "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
  • "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  • "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
  • "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
  • "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
  • "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
  • "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
  • "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
  • "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
  • "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
  • "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
  • "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
  • "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
  • "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
  • "He has van Gogh’s ear for music." - Billy Wilder
  • "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Submitted by Bill, Gettysburg, Pa.

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The Old & New Navy

Then - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now - If you smoke, you get sent outside and treated like a leper, if you’re lucky.

Then - Mail took weeks to come to the ship.
Now - Every time you get near land, there's a mob topside to see if their cell phones work.

Then - If you left the ship it was in Blues or Whites, even in home port.
Now - The only time you wear Blues or Whites is for ceremonies.

Then - You wore bell bottoms everywhere on the ship.
Now - bell bottoms are gone and 14 year-old girls wear them everywhere.

Then - You wore a Dixie cup all day, with every uniform.
Now - It's not required and you have a choice of different hats.

Then - If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now - If you say "damn" you'd better be talking about a hydro electric plant.

Then -The Ships Office yeoman had a typewriter on his desk for doing daily reports.
Now - Everyone has a computer with Internet access and they wonder why no work is getting done.

Then - We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
Now - We put the real thing in the cockpit.

Then - Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now - She is on the same ship, praying your condom worked.

Then - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the ship so you could sleep it off.
Now - If you get drunk off duty, they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.

Then - Canteens were made out of steel and you could heat coffee or hot Chocolate in them.
Now - Canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat them because they'll melt, and anything inside always tastes like plastic.

Then - Our top officers were professional sailors first. They commanded respect.
Now - Our top officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a Wedgie.

Then - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now - They collect our pee and analyze it.

Then - If you didn't act right, they'd put you on extra duty until you straightened up.
Now - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you Forever.

Then - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

Then - You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now - You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

Then - You ate in a Mess Hall or Galley. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now - You eat in a Dining Facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

Then - If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now -You go to the Community Center and can still play pool, maybe.

Then - If you wanted a quarter beer and conversation, you could go to the Chief's or Officers' Club.
Now - The beer will cost you three dollars and someone is watching to see how much you drink.

Then - The Exchange had bargains for sailors who didn't make much money.
Now - You can get better merchandise and cheaper at Wal-Mart.

Then - If an Admiral wanted to make a presentation, he scribbled down some notes and a YN spent an hour preparing a bunch of charts.
Now - The Admiral has his entire staff spending days preparing a Power Point Presentation.

Then - We called the enemy things like "Commie Bastards" and "Reds" because we didn't like them.
Now - We call the enemy things like "Opposing Forces" and "Aggressors or Insurgents" so we won't offend them.

Then - We declared victory when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now - We declare victory when the enemy says he is sorry and won't do it again.

Then - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

Thank God I was in the "Old Navy" . And proud of it.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Did You Know??
  • If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.
  • To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers.
  • Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by 'Bayer'.
  • Communications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik Idestam.
  • Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!
  • People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.
  • Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.
  • Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.
  • Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.
  • The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.
  • The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!
  • Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.
  • The night of January 20 is "Saint Agnes's Eve," which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.
  • There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne.
  • Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros
  • It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
  • The heat of peppers is rated on the Scoville scale.
  • Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
  • Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end
  • If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
  • Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.
  • When it originally appeared in 1886 - Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.
  • Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
  • Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
  • The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
  • For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.
  • Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
  • Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F
  • The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells.
  • The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
  • Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
  • The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
  • Airports at high altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

And last but not least:

  • In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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