Humor Selections for March 11th, 2011

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A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.

Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

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A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."

"When?" asked the visitor.

"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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You know you're on a bad date when:
  • You order a Double Whopper and he says, "Hey, my name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
  • You've never heard someone speak with such passion about an ant farm.
  • He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine.
  • Your dinner reservations are under "Loser, party of 2"
  • He's especially proud of how long he can sustain a burp.
  • He calls to tell you he'll pick you up, just as soon as the stand off with the police is over.
  • He's been on Geraldo once and Jerry Springer, twice.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Be a Kid Again
  • Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
  • Grow a milk mustache.
  • Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
  • Have a staring contest with your cat.
  • Kiss a frog just in case.
  • Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no."
  • Ask "Why?" a lot.
  • Believe in fairy tales.
  • Have someone read you a story.
  • Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match.
  • Do a cartwheel.
  • Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
  • Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
  • Sit really still for as long as the dog (or cat) is asleep in your lap.
  • Find some pretty stones and save them.
  • Stick your head out the car window and moo if you see a cow.
  • Walk barefoot in wet grass.
  • Giggle at nude statues in a museum.
  • Make cool screeching noises every time you turn.
  • Count the colors in a rainbow.
  • Fuss a little, then take a nap.
  • Take a running jump over a big puddle.
  • Giggle a lot for no real reason.
  • Do that tap-someone-on-the-shoulder-while-you-stand-on- their-opposite-side-and-they-turn-around-and-no-one's- there thing.
  • Enjoy your all-time favorite candy-bar. (Forget you've heard of calories!)
  • Throw something and when it lands make a cool exploding bomb noise.
  • Squish some mud between your toes.
  • Buy yourself a helium balloon.
  • Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people.

Be a kid again...

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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  • If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
  • Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
  • The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.
  • Avenge yourself live long enough to be a problem to your children.
  • The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.
  • Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
  • The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
  • Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.
  • Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  • Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.
  • There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
  • Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
  • Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
  • Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.
  • An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
Submitted by Brian, Emmitsburg, Md.

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The Drunken Scotsman - Download video

Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England

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Are you getting maximum usage from your vehicle?

What's the guy on top doing?

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March 11th Humor Page