Humor Selections for September 10th, 2010


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Random thoughts to start your Friday off right
  • I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
  • Few things are worse than that moment during an argument when you realize youíre wrong.
  • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.
  • I think part of a best friendís job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
  • Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when youíve made up your mind that you just arenít doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. Whatíd you do after I didnít answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  • Sometimes I will look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  • There is a great need for sarcasm font.
  • I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
  • Was learning cursive really necessary?
  • Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
  • How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
  • I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to. .
  • Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
  • As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. .
  • Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
  • I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit. well.
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
 

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A drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Interesting geography facts you may or may not know or care about.

  • More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.
  • The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply.
  • The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.
  • Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.
  • Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it is ice.),
  • Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.
  • Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.
  • Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village.'
  • Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.
  • Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.
  • Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.
  • Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.
  • Los Angeles' full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.
  • There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, more Italians in New York City than in Rome, and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv.
  • There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, every one is manmade.
  • The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.
  • The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.
  • Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.
  • The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.
  • In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rain fall there for two million years.
  • Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'
  • St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.
  • The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia ... It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles). It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen - so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.
  • The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
  • The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
 

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Sept 8th Humor Page