Humor Selections for September 8th, 2010

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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam...

... after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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More one liners...
  • The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
  • People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
  • An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
  • A word of advice...don't give it.
  • If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?
  • I am logged in...therefore, I am.
  • A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
  • Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.
  • To belittle is to be little.
  • When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.
  • Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.
  • The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.
  • I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.
  • A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
  • Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.
  • Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
  • Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Men are like ...

  • Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

  • Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

  • Men are like place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

  • Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

  • Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

  • Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.

  • Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

  • Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

  • Men are like high heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
  • Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

  • A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

  • Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

  • Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

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Glossary of Horse Terms
  • Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.
  • Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big trail ride.
  • A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.
  • Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.
  • Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.
  • Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.
  • Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.
  • Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
  • Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.
  • Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.
  • Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.
  • Colic: Gastro-intestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.
  • Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.
  • Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.
  • Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.
  • Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".
  • Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.
  • Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.
  • Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
  • Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.
  • Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.
  • Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.
  • Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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Wake up and meet the puppy - Download Video

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl

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Sept 3rd Humor Page