• "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
• "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
• "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
• "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
• "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
• "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
• "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again, or I'll give you another ticket."
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
• "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
• "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
• "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
• "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
• "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
• "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
• "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

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• Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
• Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
• Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
• Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
• The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
• Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
• First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
• Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
• Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
• Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
• Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
• The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
• Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
• Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
• Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

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Submitted by Ray, King of Prussia, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Oct 4th Humor Page