Humor Selections for March 12th, 2010

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One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo...

... and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.

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Famous People Resume Qualifications
  • Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
  • Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
  • Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
  • Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
  • Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
  • Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
  • Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
  • Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
  • Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual?
  • Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
Submitted by Barb, Unionville, Pa.

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For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M., on the dot.

He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation.

All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

The boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you an entire hour?"

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.

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Random Ramblings
  • Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name.
  • Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
  • It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.
  • Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.
  • How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?
  • Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?
  • You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.
  • Real courage is a willingness to attack raw oysters in public.
  • It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Lego Toys need more memory.
  • Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be myself.
  • Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?
  • I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.
  • To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?
  • Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.
  • My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.
  • You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.
  • If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.
  • The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.
  • There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.
  • One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.
  • I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.
  • Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?
  • Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?
  • Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?
  • I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.

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A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason?

A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I've had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I'm going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England

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Temple of Tigers - Download Slide Show

Submitted by Kathy, Stonington, UK.

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Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.

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March 8th Humor Page